Naturally Dreamy

A blog about my life as an INFP living with an ESFJ, INTJ, and my pup. I blog about earth-friendly living and life through my eyes – not necessarily in that order. Come put your feet up where life is Naturally Dreamy!


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A General Life-Update

Long term blog followers may have noticed a trend in my posts that I talked about

  • anorexia
  • social anxiety
  • feelings of insecurity around me having no obvious job skills or hireable traits

I noticed these recurring themes as I went to organize my blog one day, and I realized I’d put my issues out there, and never come back and told you what came of them!

I’ve worked at a job for a few? several? years now. It’s not high-paying, it’s not in a field I have a passion for, but it’s an incredible work environment, it pays the bills and allows me to help with expenses, boosts my confidence little by little, introduces me to concepts I know I’ll use as I do anything (it’s tech-related), requires no special skills but an attention to detail I didn’t think I had (but I definitely do!), and shows up all my previous worries as null & void. Also, I work from home, which is great for doggo’s separation anxiety (though we’ve been able to work on that, too, and while he worries when I leave we’ve found a solution!), and things like – getting to listen to music while I work, showing up in any clothes, being able to work while sick, not having to do my hair or makeup in any way. 😀 It also allows me to still take care of the home and stuff while roomies are out at work.

That’s been my primary job. I’ve also got a few others XD I help with my roomies home-based businesses – do the paperwork for one and answer the phone for the other. The one hates paperwork, and the other can’t stand to answer the phone, so I came in clinch then and didn’t even realize it when I offered.

I also had been doing house/petsitting these past years, but we moved (it’s incredible!!!) and I got to start petsitting IN. MY. HOUSE, which I didn’t think roomies would EvEr agree to. I’ve now got a delightful beagle coming twice a week for daycare who is doggo’s new best friend. ^_^ It’s amazing to see doggo be able to interact with another dog and open up his doggy-communication side in ways that have mostly been stifled before.

I did find I could go to college through grants and things, but decided I didn’t want to. I’m still happy with that decision, as studying just doesn’t seem to be my forté, and I just don’t enjoy it at all! I still struggle with that being okay to say, and not just a sign I’m not trying hard enough, but I’m definitely happy with this decision, and know I can always choose differently and get a degree later if I want! 🙂

I’ve also still got my vet assistants license. It’s a backup job, but I still look at myself as not being worthy to hold that torch. Between letting a freshly-sedated cat jump off the table (I did catch her mid-air :)), accidentally x-raying a pregnant lady, dropping food bowls on fellow assistant’s head, nearly fainting in the surgery room because I wasn’t breathing, and being yelled at by the most competent doctor… I just don’t feel like I do a good job. **

I have earned enough to take doggo and I on the dream trip to Europe, but I haven’t yet. So far, I’ve wanted to use those funds for other things. But I put away some of it into a CD and when that time period is up, maybe I will. I just kinda wish I had a big burly friend to go with me, ya know? XD

While I’ve been working this job that is actually kind of random, I’ve realized 2 things: One, I really don’t care what job I do. I like work, and I like being able to do the job well. But as long as I can work and do it well, I’m fine with whatever type of work it is. Not something that is usually described as the case in INFP articles. 2. I’ve come up with a dream job – it’s wonderful, weird, wacky, and needed (according to the surveys I’ve handed out) – and it doesn’t require any special qualifications other than just being the crazy dreamer that I am. Younger, agonizing, me never saw this coming.

I didn’t realize how much social anxiety I had. I was able to mitigate it by going out there and trying things, being on Twitter and trying interaction little by little, and learning about it. I’m also now completely recovered from my ED & restricting (though I still need to be careful at times of stress). I’m still reactive – I hear sudden noises and turn about suddenly, and duck at incoming projectiles where a more professional type person might just look at it disdainfully as it whizzes by – but that’s me. And meeting lots of people and the pickleball league I’m with have helped me realize differences are different and delightful.

My dog’s separation anxiety is completely workable now. And not at all by using the methods I originally started with. He gets free roam of the house and treats!

Anyways. I’m wowed by the changes that just gradually drifted into my life and took up root and started blooming. I thought they’d be much more firework-y and sudden.

These last 6 years have just been super-heal time. I came to this area technically at a goal weight but trying every diet still, and thinking myself irreparably fat. I couldn’t stand to talk to anyone because nights would haunt me with what I said. I got down on myself for lots of stuff. I felt like I was way past due for having figured my life out – I was already 20 years old, and yet with all this nothingness. No degree, no job, no confidence. No friends, very little family, no connections.

I was isolated, accidentally by having moved, and I turned in the little bit of community I could have – going to church – for more isolation, because I knew I couldn’t handle it. With my outside world feeling impossible to handle healthfully – I lived in a tiny space with two angry people, didn’t know anyone, and had no job – I just turned inward, I found all sorts of broken pieces and severed connections. Wrong assumptions, mega-questions about the world. I couldn’t deal with messing up. I worked on that stuff for 6 years, found examples and proofs for the questions I had. That’s what I needed big time. And throughout, I’ve tested the waters – gone on to social media sites, gone to a few parties, even tried a dating site, gone to cons, done GISH, and most recently & locally, and actually finally being able to be myself become involved in the pickleball league for two years – It’s funny, but I think this quarantine kinda sealed it for me. It was a big piece of the puzzle for me — hearing other people’s experiences being in isolation about what I’d gone through these last several years. I thought I was weird for longing for social interaction, because I technically had my roomies and distant friends – shouldn’t that be enough?

There’s been a few times over the years I’ve felt like I was good to go. Life will always be a work in progress, that’s kind of the point. But I do think I’m gonna come out of quarantine with all the issues I started my self-isolation with, gone. I know how to kick anorexia’s butt, I know that when I mess up it’s the people that stick around that get to see me do better, and I can always say sorry but most likely they’ll have forgotten about it. I understand my cognitive functions (though it is just theory) and others’ and have grace for their methods. I understand that grace is greater than punishment, and that what I know to be true can be true even when something tells me it’s not.

Having a pscyhopathic dad and anorexia and a sacrilegious church and feeling pretty much neglected for many years of my life did a number on me. Throughout I always thought I was fine, but I had to get over those things.

And now I know what I want to do with my life and it doesn’t take any special skills! These past several years I definitely kept see-sawing on this – I thought I had to become famous because famous people help people. Because famous people are listened to even when they don’t say anything important and I don’t say anything important. I thought I was going to start a non-profit. I thought I had to work with animals because it’s the only thing I know. I thought I needed to make a big change in the world to fulfill any purpose.

I don’t think any of that now, and what a relief!

I still don’t think I have a lot of skills – but I’m fine with that! And my ambitions don’t require me too. So it’s all a good fit. I have two things I want to do in life, and as long as I can do one I’d feel like I’d done everything I wanted – A. Start my dream job – a local adventure park (but not with your typical adventures, like rope-courses & ATVs – other adventures “as seen on YouTube” kinda things and sports from all over the world and things you’ve always wanted to try but never had the chance and more typical obstacle courses and forest-exploration and archery courses etc.) (optional, but highly wanted) and B. Foster kids.

I blogged through part of it, but never told you the light I’m seeing now. And it’s gorgeous. It’s a vista of humanity and hope. It doesn’t rely on perfection. It’s not disillusioned by difficulties. It has room for change and new facts.

If you’re fighting too, I hope you keep fighting. If you’re working on yourself and finding all the pieces, know the picture becomes whole.

**(Technically this paragraph could also read like: Between letting a sedated cat jump off the table (they told me to let go! — they meant reduce pressure on the vein), accidentally x-raying a pregnant lady (the x-ray pedal was on the floor, which I didn’t know, and 5 of us were crammed in the small room for the demonstration – I tried to move to give the other girl more room and boop! x-ray….eek!), dropping food bowls on fellow assistant’s head (yeah, that’s just me being clumsy), nearly fainting in the surgery room because I wasn’t breathing (to be fair, I hadn’t had breakfast either; burnt fur, blood and claw doesn’t smell good, I had to hold my arms up without support, and sensory inputs of the the cauterizing gun turning the radio to static every time it activated and the fluorescent lights… oof), and being yelled at by the most respected doctor (I was trying to do what another assistant had done, and I happened to be the one standing there when she saw our method)… I just don’t feel like I do a good job (but I know I probably could do okay).

(P.S. – Those “two angry people” I lived with in a small space, are also my roomies in the new house. We’ve all found ways to grow and rebuild. ^_^ )


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Task/Hobby Management Idea (that’s helped this INFP)

I recently stumbled upon a system that is really working and helping me to get done what I want to do. It’s super simple! And it’s been years of me trying to do these like 6 things, and I just. wasn’t. All of a sudden I’m doing them each week. xD

It all started with a tweet – “Is this too much? Maybe I’m expecting I can do more with my free time than I expected… Maybe I ought to pair down on my ambitions.”

Then a reply saying they thought it was fine – just go for it!

And me remembering a strategy I used in work.

(Disclaimer – I know I have a lot more free time than a large percentage of people do. It’s why I have 4 hobby jobs and spend a lot of time thinking about theology and researching things. It’s why I love the Goethe quote that “Talent is formed in quiet retreat” because my life feels purposeless sometimes as I feel I sit in hibernation. But it’s also why I want to use this time with intention. That while I have open time to choose and do, I don’t forget what it is I’d like to do. So my list right now is quite extensive, and I’m actually able to do most of these in a quiet day. But I think this will also be handy when things ramp-up since there is no timeframe to completing the tasks. But I’m also giving myself freedom to trim the list down if priorities change. :))

(P.S. – Yes, I wrote this before the social-distancing started! I am uniquely equipped to handle this haha! Hope you all are doing well. ^_^ #StayHome #StaySafe #HelpOthers)

I use my Notes app on my laptop a LoT. And for one of my work things I need to add a set of info from Excel spreads to a list of webpages. I’ve listed the webpages in order on my notes and after them a list of the names of the Excel sheets that go on each page. So it looks like this:

Webpage 1: list one, list two, list three
Webpage 2: list four, list five

Except some lists get copied on multiple webpages. So in this case, I would add a formatting to it to keep track and quickly spot it. So it looks something like this:

Webpage 1: list one, list two, list three
Webpage 2: list four, list five
Webpage 3: list three, list six
Webpage 4: list seven, list one, list eight

And then the final thing I do to keep track is to color change the text as I go so I know what’s done and what’s not.

Webpage 1: list one, list two, list three
Webpage 2: list four, list five
Webpage 3: list three, list six
Webpage 4: list seven, list one, list eight

So, when I got that tweet reply that I wasn’t weird for wanting to do my list of hobbies that I’d screenshotted and shared to Twitter, I realized that I had a list of hobbies on my notes! What if I could keep track of it like I kept track of my webpage/lists updates?

I’ve tried some reminder apps on my computer. I tried goal calendars. But I gave up on them, or failed to be reminded by them. Or I wasn’t ready to do the thing when I had set the time to do the thing.

I’d set mental goals of “Just do one page of transcription a week” and even then I didn’t. Time is not a thing my brain is great at grasping. I would go whole months without doing it, and then when I did go back to transcription I would do hours of it. And then stop for another several months.

I don’t thrive in regimen, but I want to be consistent. And now I’d like to introduce you to my non-fancy-dancy, but oh-so-chillaxed system of managing the things I want to do:

I have a note called “To Do”. (Very much like a Ne-strong personality it doesn’t only have my to-do list lol.*) But so it doesn’t get lost, I’ve got a list of “recurring” things at the top. A list I scoffed at in my brain when I made it, but I knew I needed to remember to keep up on my CE so that’s how it started. It felt I’d never get around to it these things and they’d get lost in the morass of life. But I wanted to remember them, thus:

Recurring:

  • piano
  • CE
  • Japanese
  • German
  • tongue twisters
  • singing
  • transcription
  • guitar
  • side-job
  • Mozilla Voice
  • dance
  • read blogs
  • dream business-idea
  • cardistry

I’ve actually added several of these things after seeing that this system worked for me. I thought for sure having 2 languages, and 3 music things was too much. But so far it hasn’t been. Partly because right now I’m just attempting to keep-up my German knowledge and learn the Japanese alphabet (hiragana). I added dance and cardistry – some hobbies I’d like to get into, but am not sure I’m actually going to want to keep around.

Then when I’ve got some free time I look at the list. There have definitely been times I stared at it and thought “I don’t want to do any of these things!!” but knowing it would only take a few minutes to make just some progress, and then I could change its formatting – like ticking it off the to-do – motivated me.

Plus, I’d say to myself, these are things you already thought you wanted to do. If you want to do them, you can. If you don’t then you can just take them off. And I realized I still wanted to give it a shot and so I would.

When I practiced an item, I’d change it to italic, bold, or underlined. Right now my list looks like this:

  • piano
  • CE
  • Japanese
  • German
  • tongue twisters
  • singing
  • transcription
  • guitar
  • sidejob
  • Mozilla Voice
  • dance
  • read blogs
  • dream job
  • cardistry

This indicates that all italic and underlined items have been worked on the most recently. If I’d like to catch up the other items, I’d work on tongue twisters and read blogs today – then I’d underline them. Piano and CE are at the top because they are exempt from the daily list – CE is not something I work on daily, and I don’t know where the power cord for the keyboard is lol.

Cardistry is also not italic, or underlined, so it is two sessions of practice behind the rest. I’d also make that a priority today. And then because we’re not in the business of shaming, I would just italicize AND underline it because it’s close enough and everything’s caught up together.

Then I’d reset all to normal font and start over.

If anything is untouched by the end of the week I can know what to focus on, or maybe what I have lost interest in and rethink it.

Either way, I’m practicing these things way more consistently by this little trick than I ever dreamed possible. And I’m having fun with it, too! 🙂

The second thing I do, is for keeping track of petcare things. I have a bi-weekly reminder alarm on my phone for trimming my dog’s nails, and a monthly reminder for putting on his flea protection. I’ve set it for a time I’m likely to be home and able to do it, and it’s actually worked swimmingly! My guess on the time has been accurate almost every instance. 🙂

Anyways, hope this helps someone!

* Other things I jot down on my To Do list like: “I wonder how many other people use the Redwall Cookbook commonly as a reference cookbook.” or “The future will always come” or “Dreamed about being on the jury again and mom was on a serial killer jury and they were bringing Forever back in to the TV show rotation. All anxiety – the Forever thing I couldn’t find my tweet to RT to encourage people to watch and I set a book about Forever and jury service on fire and was trying not to let the fire alarm start. But also dreamed about Thanksgiving presents and Name and his friend – who was like a really kind dark skinned small dude who was throwing an amazing block party for Thanksgiving.” xD

 

Q&A:

What are some hobbies you’re interested in?
Do you have a task-management system that works especially well for your brain?


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Saying I love you

(I have a propensity towards bluntness when it comes to things I know people consider woeful. It’s the only reason I’m nervous about publishing this post – while it’s all true at the moment, it may not be helpful and also too blunt. I hope that it’s not. However it is also subject to change as I keep living. And someday I hope it is.)

(On to the post).


 

YiNl

A well-known person dies. Twitter says to make sure to tell your loved ones you love them. I think that’s a good idea, but I don’t take their advice.

As a kid, I was not stingy with the love. But growing up, and investigating what love was, I couldn’t be sure I wasn’t saying it out of some vague sense of tradition or obligation.

And I thought people deserved that when I alluded to such a profound principle it would be accurate, and so I stopped saying it as much, and then not at all.

Perhaps it is a matter of the phrase being too simple. I have begun accumulating a list of phrases that are an aspect of love or something that seems to be meant when I hear the phrase:

Screen Shot 2020-01-30 at 10.52.15 AM

I’m not getting anywhere fast or far with it. But it’s a start for me, because I feel like it’s rude of me to say I love someone when what I really mean is my life would be a lot more empty without you. I think they ought to know that I know where we stand. May it convey the same amount of love as “I love you” does? Maybe.

But if what they hear when they hear “I love you” is “I’m behind you 100%” and what you really felt at that moment was “I like your personality”, then they might be in for a letdown when they later find out that you don’t support their ideas at all!

Am I overthinking this? Maybe. I mean, I stopped saying I love you at the same time that I stopped eating, stopped wearing jackets, and stopped having friends. It was definitely a time of overthinking and coming to the wrong conclusions.

But where all others have reversed, this one has remained. Every time I think of opening my mouth to say it, my brain slams the door shut. It’s not fair I say to myself. You better make sure you mean it lest you say it glibly.

Maybe it’s due in part because like the only person I’d say it to at this time would be my Mom who had it said to her for years when clearly it was the opposite of true.

Maybe it’s due in part to me having said it to my Dad when I’m fairly positive that it was never true. What was true was I was scared of him, and I always wanted to never be where he was. Pretty sure that’s not compatible with love. I acknowledged him as having been a key element to starting my life, but in my eyes, in terms of fate, I often even removed him from that position and wondered where I’d be. So how did I say such a meaningful phrase to him over and over and never actually mean the words but think I did?

So the next time I say it, I want it to mean all the things I want it to mean: – I value you – I stand with you in your struggles – I don’t need you to change to be acceptable for me – I won’t run from you in your tough spots – I will be patient with you – I understand part of how you operate – Even if you mess up, I could never stop valuing you – I think you are a good thing.

Because I think the people I’m telling it to deserve it to be true when they are told it. I don’t want anyone to lie to them. I don’t want anyone to let them down. I want them to be held carefully and treasured for the uniqueness they bring and I want them to feel safe and open. I want them to have someone that showers them with grace and shows them good, and doesn’t only value them for what they bring into their life.

I don’t. I’m not that person for them, unfortunately, I don’t think. So I don’t say I love you to them so I’m not making an empty promise.

And the irony of it, is maybe that means I do love them.

– – –

So I’m going to keep trying to build up my database of facets of love, so I can sprinkle those about wholeheartedly, and also keep mining at my stores of grace and see if sometime I can be that person. Right now I get heated, and I want them to change. Or I get scared and I want to leave. Or I break, and I just want them to “get it”. But maybe one day, I can actually love them. Or maybe it will just be my understanding of the definition that changes.

But for right now, I’ll be in their lives and try to show love. However, because I hold them dear, I won’t tell them “I love you.”

 

– – – –

(P.S. I actually wrote this post a few weeks ago and I remembered about it today when thinking about my blog. It is only accidentally being published on Valentine’s Day lol. xD)


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My Life is a Patchwork

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I pour the tea, and slice the cake.

My life is a patchwork, and at times I seem to feel this keenly. It’s informed by so many voices, and so many events, and so many past actions that I didn’t do.

It’s a soft, vibrant feeling. As though things are at work that I feel but don’t know.

I drink water from a re-used cup from an idea I had years ago to augment the 3 glasses we had brought with us.

I drink tea from a mug from a trip of my Mom’s.

And I eat cake in a bowl that existed before I was born.

We’ve gradually arrived at the point that all our meals are eaten in the living room, and so now, food in hand that’s where I gravitate to. But it doesn’t feel weird.

I pour tea from a kettle bought for BT from a grocery store in another state by people I no longer know. It’s warmed on a stove in a place that is rented, but that I can walk effortlessly by feel.

I sit on a bed in the living room – a spare mattress topped with my ancient weathered quilt, and my new Mexican blankets. I beckon Rimfire to my side and drape over him the blanket BT knitted.

I’m wearing merino wool. The sheep it was sheared from was in Ireland, and it was knit there, too. But somehow it found it’s way to a thrift shop by me, across the Atlantic.

My life is a patchwork, informed by voices and possessions of people who don’t even know what I’m doing this morning.

It seems so weird, but it’s also so everyday.

So, I sit on my bed with the light filtering through the blinds and sip my tea in a borrowed mug and eat the cake of a recipe from a friend and relish the thought in my mind for a moment. And then let it go.

Because to keep it as forethought is to let go of the simplicity of my life and be caught up in intricate details which mire me in nostalgia.

A place I can get lost in too easily. Time has no meaning to me, so it is hard for me to separate what is important for the now.

But it also lets me peek more easily at just how many tiny actions led to my simple motion of getting breakfast this morning.

My life is a patchwork, and yours is too. It’s the accidental patterns and interlocking pieces that make it so strong and so interesting. We wear it everyday, but sometimes when we take a peak at it, we realize just how colorful our lives are.


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Exhale – a poem

With you, I want to exhale

Other relationships I go in
Breathless, waiting
Wondering what will happen
Stunned at the sweeping vistas

Or, sometimes it’s so beautiful
I breath in deep
Eyes alight, wait for the pull
Of gravity, scared it isn’t there

Times I breathe out are to let out
A fervent prayer,
Hope beyond hope, a punch to
The gut, let-down sigh, crying scream

But with you, with this, with right now
I cradle you
I take a deep breath, but don’t
Hold it, or stay tightly wishing

I exhale, feel my breath ripple
across your skin
We are calm and not trying
We are simply *breathe in* living *breath out*


 

 

 

cow wig

via GIPHY

 

I don’t know what’s weirder – that this sounds like it could be a romantic poem, or that I wrote it about my dog as I pet him before bed one night.

Seriously.

Have you ever held a pet and just take a big deep breath in, and then let it out and feel so at peace? Our cat used to smell like hints of vanilla. I’d bury my nose in her fur and breathe. I’ve always felt so weird about my breathing practice, so I wrote a poem about it (and then decided to share it with the world?…)

But yeah. Sometimes I just lay my head by Rimfire and breathe.

I started comparing this breathing pattern to the feel of other relationships if illustrated by broad strokes, and I realized that it was quite different.

I squeezed as many relationships that I’ve experienced as I could into the poem: I’ve got parent-child, long-distance friends, new relationships. Pretty much every ship I’ve been in is in here, and I never realized how many of them I don’t really breathe or act upon my own will in. I’m waiting, looking, trying.

I think it’s good to have a relationship where you feel you can exhale. And maybe that’s why we have these strange breathing patterns – to illustrate how we feel at that moment. Exhaling serves no purpose but to empty toxins – inhaling seems vastly more important. In a place where you feel free to just take that time for yourself, I think that’s a good thing.

I hope you have a relationship like that. One that encourages you to breathe both in and out. 😌


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“The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done…” (Clarifier – this post is a discussion on the phrase, not a story of the hardest thing I’ve done. :))

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Does this photo have anything directly to do with the post? Erm… no, I just wanted to add a photo since so many of my posts don’t have one XD Photo source is: one of my many “ooh look at the sky!” photos. ^_^

As I’m interested in trying new things, and launching ideas, inevitably I read other people’s stories.

“Lots of blood, sweat and tears went into making this.” “This is by far the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve done.” “Learning that was hard, and I came home feeling demoralized, but after a while I pushed through and go to where I am.”

These kinds of sentiments generally inspire me to curl up on the couch and not do anything. If it’s going to be the hardest thing, I think, then why even start?

As I was finishing work today, it occurred to me my paradigm on this subject may not be where others are at.

Heh, when is it ever?

Someone says, “Don’t expect it to be easy. Go into it realizing it will be the toughest thing you’ve ever had to do.”, I think okay. It will be harder than:

  • Staying up for 52 hours during moving and literally falling asleep while holding a printer; being so scarred by the experience that I couldn’t listen to the songs I listened to during it because I got flashbacks to the feel of desperately staying awake
  • Standing in an 85º room, pulling the first of 6 lower bedsheets onto the queen bed and telling myself, “If I can do this, I can get through the other 5 beds I have to make. Just take it one second at a time, and you might survive.” It was hot in the upper floor, and hard work to flip the 4 rooms, made harder by the fact I hadn’t eaten anything of substance, and wouldn’t for the rest of the day.
  • Living my life by judgmental rules I believed in logically but not in my heart; systematically alienating everyone I had dealings with. Because that “was only right” apparently and if I didn’t tell them “what was right” who would?
  • Getting a hug from someone who’d just cursed out my Mom (I actually found the yelling that preceeded this and my standing up and stating the truth much much easier than the forced hug of pretend-reconciliation)
  • Leaving all my friends. Multiple times.

Those are some of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I have absolutely no desire to repeat the experience, and definitely not to do something even harder, you know?

Well, those are my hardest things, but taking a step back for a moment, I generally hear “Hardest thing I had to do, but worth it”, also applying to happy things like childbirth. Raising children.

So let’s apply that filter to my life:

  • Coaching Rimfire through his first year of life. He wouldn’t stop barking the night we brought him home. We slept with our hand in his cage and I carried him around for much of his first year. (It was a solution. Definitely not the best one, but the best one I could come up with under the circumstances!)
  • Leaving an abusive situation. I guess most people would call having the rug yanked out from under you, moving from your house because they got it, hiding from a stalker, having no money, and other things as difficult. But I was the happiest person in the world when I held my card that said he couldn’t come within 50 feet. It was my most prized possession – because it meant someone believed me. And it didn’t matter whatever was said. It was a factual, contractual, obligation between the rest of the world and me that the torment of all my years could not come close enough to harm any more.
  • Having 2 pets die
  • Travelling on your own for the first time

I think these are more of the things people would say “hardest thing ever”. But to me they are bright spots in my life.

Because Rimfire had so much separation anxiety and so much to learn, but we went through it together and we’re still together. Having no money is one thing, but it can’t even compare to having no fear. It’s not easy to not know if the next day will be dire, but it never was, we always had enough, and it was more than an equal trade for receiving a brand new way of life. Leonna and Fluffy dying was sad, very very sad. But there was hope in it, too. Fluffy had had a life-saving operation from a very kindly vet. Leonna lived longer than she should have with Feline leukemia, and we buried her in our friend’s yard. Travelling on my own was the scariest thing I faced, but I got to visit my friends, do amazing things, and hear about the adventures of my family when I got back.

I would nay repeat the actually hardest things I’ve done. And I don’t think I should. If starting my business will be hardest along those lines, I hesitate to do so.

But if it’s hardest along the lines of starting a new life, learning a new skill, and doing something you’ve never done before – bring. it. on. I am more than ready, and I’m okay with giving something up for that.

Because I’ve seen that. I’ve seen what they mean by “it’s worth it”. It really is. 🙂