Naturally Dreamy

A blog about my life as an INFP living with an ESFJ, INTJ, and my pup. I blog about earth-friendly living and life through my eyes – not necessarily in that order. Come put your feet up where life is Naturally Dreamy!


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Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?

I was talking to BT yesterday, and he said how it was frustrating how even with how long you might know someone, it seems that trust isn’t really cultivated. He meant a different sort of trust – like trusting someone’s judgement – but what struck me is the horrbile trait that I don’t tend to trust someone as “they would never do ___” even after knowing them for a while.

If I consider how I trust other people, I think to myself, I never am sure that they wouldn’t hurt me. Or lie to me. Or do something horrendous for some reason.

I was thinking about it as I packed away recycling in the vehicle, that I don’t think that’s really what it is. I think it’s the same thing that stymied my starting to recover from an ED – I saw people for their weight (a lot of times), so I expected the same. I didn’t realize that that could change – and it did. But it took me recovering, first.

So I thought, I can’t trust someone else to not be something, if I never trust all of who I am with anyone. If I never reveal all of myself to someone I could never expect to know who they are all the way through, either… could I?

I tend to not want to alienate people, so I don’t show sides of myself. For instance, maybe, I don’t show the part of me that is really conservative (or I don’t want them to think their views aren’t welcome because they differ from mine – I don’t mind that). Or I don’t want to scare people so I don’t reveal my temper (or say I have one). People get annoyed at people who are excited so I won’t be excited. I try to cut away and whittle off anything that someone might wish for me not to be.

But you can’t grow by cutting off pieces of yourself.

Yet I think that’s what character development *looks like* to me a lot of times. (And I tend to get well-convinced by “looks like”.)

Take Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec. I think BT and I are in the 3rd season? When he starts his Rent-A-Swag business endeavour there is definitely some character development going on.

It looks like him deciding to NOT be a party boy and NOT be this or that. That’s my first thought. Look at all the things he didn’t do.

But those things he didn’t do, weren’t the point. He decided to stay true to his word. Take care of his friendships.

And as they discussed in a succeeding episode, if Tom tried not to be the confident, flashy person he is, then his new business would definitely fail.

He shouldn’t throw all his money into trivial items for his business – as he might have done – but if he “cuts that off” and doesn’t spend any of it, that’s not good either. The growth was to use it in things that appealed to him, and they all pitched in to help build the items he needed. Character growth.

I’ve never been great at nuances. (Hey, look, there’s a character trait someone may not like about me!) When I learned horseback riding, and my teacher was trying to teach me something, my mom would take me aside after the lesson and say “exaggerate it, do the complete opposite of *insert bad habit teacher was trying to break* and you’ll hit the middle.”

So if somebody cheers on somebody’s character growth and I think “Look, they didn’t do something, and that was good! I saw it, too, that was really helpful for them, and I’d much more enjoy spending time with them now, too.” I think “I won’t do things, either!”

Well, that has been proven to not work. And even though I’m much more trusting, and expressive, than I was there for a while, I still would describe myself as “not trusting”. I’m not sure if that actually manifests in my life, or if I really do blanketly (I kinda feel I don’t) not trust anyone. But I do believe I’d be hindered in being able to trust someone if I never chose to show that person the less-“good” parts about me.

And, wouldn’t it be true that nobody can trust me if I conceal so much…

 

Growth is about growing, and if you chop off everything, there’s nothing left to grow. And if “change” is really rebuilding like I feel better describes it, there’s got to be something to start from.

(Full disclosure: the people closest to me probably know all of me, even if I try to not show it XD When I say, well actually I have ____, they’re like “Oh good. I’m glad you know it, too.” or “Uh-huh, I could read it on your face!”)

I gotta be honest though. My high energy never seems to be a good match for anything…

And if the internet and stories from other people have taught me anything – it’s that frequently, (if you have a good heart), when you are real, and have flaws, it’s encouraging, humorous, helpful, and it sometimes even helps you and everyone else grow. 🙂

Q&A:

Has there ever been anything you tried to chop off, that you realized later wasn’t helpful like you thought’d be?

Do you have any special plans for the weekend? or Thanksgiving? 🙂

 

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A Discussion about a Subject of Unknown Origin that is just about as abstruse and abstract as this Title

A few short months after victoriously gaining a license, I lost it. I have every other previous version of it, but the newest one just vanished!

“To your credit,” said BT peeking into my room midway-through-ransack, “I thought, ‘where would she keep something like this besides her wallet?’ and I couldn’t think of anything. You’ve definitely done your due diligence.” We searched for another half hour. It is nowhere to be found.

But the thorough overturning of all storage spaces mine caused me to think a few thoughts.

There’s like a category of my brain that is like “that is it’s place” and it goes back in that place, and I’m just so tickled and happy that I’ve got a place for it. Slingshot goes on bed, next to books. Receipts with story ideas go in the paper stack below the books. The ages-old origami game goes in the hidden compartment in my backpack.

And the only thing that I can think of as to why that gives me so much satisfaction is the pretty much catch-all excuse (which I’m wary of using, but will if I need to pinch hit a reason/intro to my life to someone) that I’ve moved a lot.

So saying, “This goes, here and that goes there” is sorta opposite.

Hand in hand is my sad, sad, sad made up bed. At least I’ve been told it was sad. Even Mom said my oh-so-precious quilt was on it’s last legs. It’s yellowed with age, the quilted squares are losing their middle and exposing the stuffing below. There’s even an edge section that’s torn away from the rest of the blanket that sometimes my arm goes through gets caught.

I have had this quilt for as long as I can remember, and it’s just as comfy as it’s always been. It keeps me warm, or cool, and it’s just perfect. But apparently it looks terrible now.

And I have a “pillow” that has had such a life, that it by all rights should be retired. It traveled internationally, then half way across the country, got chewed on by Rimfire as a pup, causing the outer case to shred. Now it has no outer case and I contain the matted, permanently fused, hardened, foam stuffing in a sham.

Mom and BT and me just shake our heads when we see it. But it still serves it’s purpose. It gives just a little bit more of height than one pillow, which is all I need.

But by all intents it could definitely just be retired.

Why don’t I? Why don’t I just say, “No I won’t use you any more?” Why am I so glad I have places and things and put them back where they came from? It’s like I need some sort of continuity in my life, and I wonder how much that is true for humans.

I bet my friend is tired of me telling her, but I still haven’t yet reconciled my life with other people’s so it still comes up. My “family” contains a grand total of three people. I have virtually no past, and no future. I’ve lived nowhere long, and have no roots. Is this weird? Is this normal? Is my psyche different than others and if so in what way? I would love to know this. It would be so cool to know.


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Am I Too Judgmental?

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Have you seen those collections of weirdest, most unexplainable stock photos? Thinking of this, I decided to use a stock photo for this post! XD

I’ve been pondering these last few days on whether I’m being too judgmental. And since that’s rather a loose word “of or concerning the use of judgement” what it is I mean by that is: (darnit! There’s like not really a good word for it I can find…)

So, it was key in my anorexia recovery that I stopped viewing people as thin, fat, fit, etc. It used to be all I noticed everywhere, and now I don’t even. People just are. So, in this way, I am aware that there are judgements 1. that I can have, and 2. that are completely possible to overcome.

However, I generally consider (considered?) myself a non-judgemental person. In considering whether or not to say such a statement, I’d mentally reference a couple of times where someone was reallllly nervous about telling me something, but once they did, it changed not at all what I thought of them.

As I found myself online and reading with a critical eye tweets from people I’d recently followed I realized that there was definitely a sort of judging going on. And it made sense why I was so nervous to say anything. I mean I knew THAT but, I didn’t realize just how much I did.

The “feel” of someone’s tweets, how quickly they got frustrated at something, how much they were open to others, the general way in which they spoke all were things which informed my decision of whether to keep following them or not.

So for example, you know how I said “darnit” in the very beginning of this post? Something like that might – sort of like a distance-o-meter of how much I can “trust” them – cause me to go a little farther due to me interpreting it as “a myopic view of events and believing that because something was inconvenient it was wrong”. As much as I might believe this, I don’t want it to be the reason I draw away from someone… or do I?

Of course, there is only so much one person can take in, so it makes sense that I needed some sort of filter, but is this really the way to do it?

People definitely don’t need to have my same belief system for me to respect them, but they way express themselves definitely lends me to wanting to be closer or detach myself from them.

I am TERRIFIED of people detaching themselves from me, for whatever reason.

I also started thinking about “love”. Like, I love my dog. That’s like the only thing I know I love. This is either A. because I’m really bad at loving and it’s all works based, or B. (my mom’s theory) that I love everything and so it’s hard for me to tell what I do love, because there is no “no love”.

I define love as something that would never ever disappear. Never be shaken by nothing. Supportive, even if they have some terrible ideas and a bad laugh. Things like that.

I KNOW I don’t do that. People need to be or do something for me not to be irritated at them, and so I started thinking — maybe I could do something about that.

Maybe online it’s smart of me to have a criterion for who I follow and who I decline to, but what about in real life? Is there a way that I can not be so freaked out when someone says something disparaging about someone/thing else? Can I be more supportive of people when they show extremity of emotion? Can I try not doing some of the things I find myself doing (but that I would hope someone else wouldn’t do to me)?

Someone can do ANYTHING, and if they explain their perspective and idea around it I’m like “cool.” I value their letting me know about their inner workings, and try not to abuse their trust. But I think I should be a bit more open, even when they choose not to do it.

 

Q&A:

Have you ever used to judge someone hard about something, but then been able to change because of something or rather?

 


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Lots of Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts on my brain today. Would you mind if I told you some of ’em?

One of my friends is coming to visit me soon, and I’m off the charts excited!! My brain is also raising some good questions – What meals shall I make? What activities do I not want to forgot about doing? – and some not so good ones – What if she hates my where I live? What if she can’t stand my music? What if I tell her all the wrong stories?

The music one is the one I think of most frequently. I pretty much listen to music all my waking hours, and I’ve learned what my family likes and doesn’t like, so we can mutually enjoy what we are listening to. But I have a plan! I’ll ask her what she likes and doesn’t like in music (for example, it took me a while to get used to BT’s new set of music, but I actually ended up loving a lot of it in the end – wait that’s not an example – I mean, he tailored some of it, and when I learned that things actually wouldn’t break my preferences, I was a lot more open. Not that I want her to be open, I just don’t want it to be this weird foreign experience like it was. Or at all uncomfortable. So this analogy helps my head, but doesn’t convey?) What I’m trying to say (I think) is maybe instead of worrying about this, maybe it’s better to just ask if she would mind music, and what type she likes! Boom! 🙂

~~~~~

I’m rediscovering some of the reasons I loved Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore or at least some things I really enjoy about it! As a kid, I didn’t understand why people re-read books – even if they really loved them.

But, I had wanted to re-read Nanny Diaries, and Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore. I recently purchased a copy of buying Mr. Penumbra’s– and after reading a disappointing in a sort of off-putting-way short story, I picked up my new purchase and old favorite.

I’m already half-way through! XD

Here are two quotes that show bits of what I like about it:

“She hands it [the check] to me, finished, and at the very bottom there’s a line of tiny type that informs me she’s been a member of the Telegraph Hill Credit Union since — oh, wow — since 1951.

Jeez. Why am I punishing this old woman for my own weird ways [attending a new friend’s party over Skype]? Something softens inside of me. My mask melts and I give her a smile — a real one.”

It describes so well that switch we can have from annoyance to respect when we view something that reminds of the fellow humanity of the person with which we are dealing – or something. I’m still trying work out the abstract core in this into words.

“It’s no big deal,” she says, flipping pages, making herself busy. “It’s [a special sort of promotion] like winning the lottery  anyway. It was a long shot.”

I’m not an entrepreneur, not a business guy, but in that moment I want nothing more than to start a company and grow it to Google size, just so I can put Kat Potente in charge.”

I always feel like that. Something lacking? Let me learn it and be it. Someone needs this particular sort of business? Let me start it! I try to do anything and everything someone shows they approve, need, or helps them enjoy life, and I’ve learned that I can’t do all of it.

I will have to pick one, so I should pick the one I like, and it will be what is needed. But it doesn’t stop the pang of wanting to help someone or be someone when something like this happens.

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BT has been saying that he feels bad he doesn’t know what to get for me for my birthday. I’ve always, always wanted to get an animal as a gift. OH MY GOSH!! I just realized I have!! I got chicks for my birthday one time! Oh and lovely chicks they were. ❤ Anyways story for another time.

Well, I forgot about that, lol. That actually makes me pretty happy haha!

And also, I have never gone this long without a kitty in my life. There was a cat that slept in my diaper bag when I was a baby. When I lived in a foreign country, we cared for 2 outside cats. When we moved back to the U.S., LL found us while we were in our in-between home.

Since LL died a few years back, the only kitty I’ve had contact with is during pet-sitting. I’m not really a cat person, but it is starting to wear on me.

I mean, you can feel the purring softness from this Tumblr cat!:

And my Twitter friend’s pics of kitty interactions! *happy sigh* Cats are such unique creatures!

And I love animals. Oh, I don’t know why, but I do and looook!

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She caught my eye today. 🙂 Why do I look on pet-adoption sites? I feel like I can make a difference doing that, but instead I just see how much need there is and how even 1 adoption – does it really matter?

But I thought, maybe – once I count my dollars – maybe, just maybe I can afford another pet. And maybe, just maybe, that (the permission, not the animal itself) could be my birthday gift! XD While that sounds sweet, I won’t bring it up, because even I (who am pretty oblivious) can tell that’s manipulative.

Someday, a kitty will populate my life again, and in that day I will be grateful. But today, I’m grateful, because I have a dog I love hanging out with, a great roommate and a loving family. 🙂

~~~~~

A singer in one of my favorite bands (one of the bands BT introduced me to, actually) died yesterday.

I had just gone onto YouTube to grab the MP3 of their Good Mythical Morning special. I went on Twitter and I saw someone’s retweet, and I could hardly believe it.

I in a way looked up to this guy – he talked about his grandmother’s influence on his life. I chose one of the band’s song as my “song to describe my life” and it took me barely any thought. I bonded with my brother over these songs.

He was gone. It hit me hard.

And I read an article today that he’d been booed off the stage at one of his latest concerts! His voice, and his music defined an age of rock, and people who paid to see him asked him to leave. How unkind is that?

The article said, “I wish we would have been nicer to him while he was alive” and I mean yeah. But is that only because he died? And why, how, can we think it’s okay to hurt someone like that.

Because we think it will make something change, I think. And sometimes it does. But when it doesn’t? What is the right way to say “I want you to take a different tack in life”?

I rarely use negative feedback, but sometimes I do. Is there a different way?

~~~~

Finally, I’m making progress learning how to use my new super-cool video editor (that was also free!). I’m making a fanvid for Little Miss Sunshine to a Garfunkel and Oates song. I just discovered I can’t rightly “preview” my video, but I have come so far (YouTube tutorials, thank you!!) that I think I might be able to figure this one out, too.

Q&A:

Any thoughts from your day?


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Happy 4th of July nail art!

The 4th of July (America’s Independence Day) is approaching! I have accordingly decked out my nails. 🙂

I’ve got 2 different designs. On my left hand, I have a de-constructed American flag. On the right I have excerpts from the Declaration of Independence.

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For the American flag nails, I used a white from Essie, a navy blue from Mary Kay at Play, and a red from Rimmel. I used the dotter of my nail-art tool to create the wavy red lines of flag-flapitude, and the thin point on the flip side of the tool to create the “stars”.

After I’d made the red-stripes, I added some clear-sparkly polish to the top and bottom of the white nails, because I thought it would look more complete that way. 🙂

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I’m actually almost out of that sparkle polish that I have been using since I was … I don’t even know how young I was, it just seems to have always existed! Before I was “allowed” to put bright or dark colors on my nails, the sparkle polish was an always a-okay, and I remember the small array sparkle polishes in the “nail bag”. They were such a special fun thing for me to use. We still have every one of them! XD We don’t use polish very fast… usually. (Nail art changed that a wee bit – I ran out of my first white polish, and am nearly out of my black one.)

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Before I started on the newspaper-print-lift on this hand, I had painted my left nails, and prepped the right hand with tan polish. I went shopping, and the cashier complimented my nails and I said, “Oh, thanks! I’m planning on putting sections of the Declaration of Independence on this hand [*waving right hand*] using the newspaper lift-technique.”

“Cool!” she said, “I did that once” [insert surprised and interested “you did!?” from me]
“… it worked all right, but silly me, I forgot to flip the image.”

“Ohhh, yeah… I hadn’t thought of that.”

Yep, I had indeed *not* thought of that, and the images I’d had printed out earlier were not flipped. Therefore I learned as she had that it makes for a reversed image.

This is what it would look like if I had reversed it! (and you viewed my hand in a sideways manner):

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To get the clips, I downloaded a high-pixel-rate (is that the term?) image from the internet of the Declaration, and pasted it into Word. From there, I isolated some segments I wanted.

For example, the first “When” — that W was so grand, and it starts everything off. When in the course of human events…”

When

I felt as if could be understood to be disrespectful to be pasting portions of a national document on my fingernails. I hoped that it wouldn’t be, but as I did it I also decided to consideringly select portions instead of using it as merely a means to an artistic look.

middle text

Okay, well this one wasn’t so well-considered, but it falls somewhere in the first third, and I thought the two T’s looked so amazing.

Next, I spotted this “Free and Independent” (in this really cool different font!) and thought, boo yah, perfect.

free and independent

For a couple of the nails, I didn’t smooth the image enough, and it allowed a gap, where the image didn’t transfer. This happened on this one, and so it’s near unreadable. Woops!

Next, I used this “United States of America” in that same off-set font. I think it may have been one of the first times they set it in writing. *cue hushed awe-choir in my mind*

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And, gosh, I couldn’t foray into the Declaration without paying tribute to the signers. John Hancock – easily recognizable, but 1. too big to fit on any of my nails! and 2. I sort of wanted to highlight some of the other signers, so I went to the right, where several signatures stood in close proximity to each other.

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It was really neat to be able to peruse a picture of the real document, usually only having read it in transcribed-format in another text! Did you know they ^ inserted a couple of words??

Finally, a big thank you to this video from which I learned how to do this! It was so short, clear and covered all the bases – like how to remove extra paper that stuck to the nail. The note in the note is very important – laser printed paper is apparently a key ingredient in this technique!

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your family (or, you know, dog/friends/whatever makes thine boat happy)! 🙂

Q&A: 

Do you have any special plans for this weekend?


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Night Thoughts

From the vault: I wrote this post 2 years ago, and in reviewing it, I thought it was pretty funny so wanted to share! …

So… I’m trying to #SaveForever… somehow the tweets have been getting into my brain at night.

And BT and I started watching Wayward Pines. It’s quite good, so far. Okay, so the character may be a bit slow to catch on, but, the series is well done.

And before I went to bed, I tried to make poetry out of discarded book pages.

And then I read Tale of Two Cities.

All of it was very rich-feeling stuff.

So, last night, as a cold came on, I fell asleep.

I woke up an hour later, feeling terrible.

“Maybe if I just go to bed, it will just be fine.” So, I tried that.

And I started dreaming about Wayward Pines and the main character, Mr. Burke.

Wayward-Pines

I dreamed that his great struggle was not only how to get out of Wayward Pines, but that the people there were also trying to keep Forever from being saved.

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So Mr. Burke is tweeting like crazy. While also trying not to be caught being “Pro-Forever” or trying to escape.

He’s running around trying to figure out all the best ways to get Forever picked up – maybe he could come up with new strategies.

About every hour, I’d come out of my sleep, and blow my nose. It was a hefty blow, and it was loud.

At 4 o’clock in the morning, the process of blowing my nose, actually woke me up (as it should have before – but somehow I did it all those times before, 1/2 asleep!), so then I started feeling really bad for being so noisy.

The other inhabitants in the house had to be up early – and here I was disturbing their sleep every hour with some unGodly-loud trumpet blast… How selfish am I?

So, then I went back to sleep.

Then I dreamed that the other inhabitants came into the kitchen for a snack – or maybe it was brekkies – and I was awake. So I got to apologize to them. They said it was quite disruptive, but they realized I had a cold, but yeah… if I could not do that anymore.

And then we had some giant philosophical discussion about how, since I was actually asleep, what that meant to my culpability, and all that.

Then I think there was some more Wayward Pines/Forever cross overs.

And then (the story of the last 3 mornings) I tried to sleep in a bit, but my body wouldn’t let me.

So, I got up…

And, I thought wow.

That was a weird night.

Q&A:

Do you ever dream about the media you watch or read?