If given the chance to view myself in a negative light, I take it. I often see myself as lazy, slothful, unhelpful to society, unproductive, and lacking in will.
I have seen where that (those kinds of thoughts) gets me, though.
I know that it was not a right place to end up, however much sense it made, it is foolishness now. I have sworn off diving into anorexic pits, but the form of anorexic thinking often tries to morph into many other avenues. Right now, it is through believing that I am worthless in the job world.
I have virtually no skills, I am not good with people, and I am telling myself that I have an aversion to work.
The hugest sins in my eyes often come to haunt me as guilt-laden thoughts.
My friends and family don’t see it, but I don’t know if this means that they are blind, kind or letting me figure it out. Or if it means that I am not, but was “kindly caught” by the “thoughts” before I ran over a precipice.
This is why anorexia is so invasive and infectious. Once given credence (which is hard not to when it is logical and fits within belief systems), it won’t let go.
“I need to know. I need a chance to prove that I am not —-. How else am I supposed to believe that it is not true.”
But this is a dangerous idea. Once proven, once, like an evil dictator, the rules will change – it wasn’t long enough, tough enough, bad enough, real enough, hard enough – and to be sure that you are beating the system, you have to re-enroll in it.
So, having gone through it once, I will lay low for a while until I stop blaming myself about my jobs. I will, one day, be in the right place, in the job that suits me, and I won’t be guilty in it because it will be right.
I won’t have to prove that I am strong and tough in the job world — I won’t have to prove that I am not a child of the young generation who wants everything their way now without lifting a finger — I won’t have to prove that I am doing enough, with enough stuff — and I won’t have to prove anything if I am in the right fit in the right time — because there will be nothing to prove.
Without a fear, or a thought, driving me to prove myself, there is no need to be better, faster, smarter, wiser, taller than everyone around me. I can be free.
That to me, is a section of what God is. Fear removed, freedom given.
As much as I don’t understand about God and His desires for me, I understand this – that the word freedom is associated with Him, and fear is not… exactly.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18 NIV)
So, if I don’t succeed in making a dog-walking business work. Or raise a couple thousand to take SP for a trip. Or find exactly where I am supposed to live in the first try. It will be okay, for now. If I am going to be helpful, I need to stop looking at myself, and look out (at where I am going, everything on the way, the experiences that are building up to where I want to be), every once in a while. And that reminder (as I finished writing this) is the breath of fresh air I needed to remember. (The article that reminds me.)