I tried writing normal posts today. I tried so hard. Eventually I decided to write what is bottled up in my head. Plus, as said below, I didn’t think any of them were good to publish. It was a hard blogging challenge topic today! Fun, but hard. Warning: the below gets into some heady stuff…. Feel free not to read… Friends and family, you guys are great… I hope if you read this it doesn’t change your perception of me. By the way, this is the darkest my head gets, I just wrote out my feelings and questions, in order and lightly edited them, and somehow I don’t think that it is actually all that dark…
(play while you read if you want to hear what I was listening to while typing part of this – it’s pretty good for expressing in music what I was feeling, but the lyrics have nothing to do with it. Actually, I have heard this song multiple times, and still don’t know what it means…)
I want to bawl (n. a loud unrestrained shout) about the injustices and evil that has happened to me.
I want to be able to post comments I write knowing that it will be good for them.
I want to know what getting old is like and why it is good.
I want to know that I will not be dowdy, but will be a ray of light when I am older. I want to know that I will still be energetic and moving and helping when I am dying.
I want to know that I don’t have to fear anymore.
I want to know how to be harmonious with my family.
I want to be myself every once in a while.
I want to know I can handle my dog’s death. I want to know I can handle LL’s death.
I want to know I’ll be a good friend even if I did the worst thing I can think of.
I want this world to be good and not full of evil around every corner.
I want the world I envision to be the world in real.
I want to know that heaven will be a social, non-boring place.
I want to get back with God.
I want to complain and get answers about my troubles with God without judgement. I want God to be good again and not an anorexia trigger.
I want to actually say things, but I don’t – I censor everything, and still get crushed.
I want to always think the right thoughts.
I want to be prepared for the bad ahead.
And prepared for the good… I want to never hurt anyone in my life, ever!
Is this too much to ask? Why are my outlets not there? Why is everything I do perceived by me to be wrong? Why is everything I do wrong in some manner to God? Why is this world evil? Why can’t I be good now that I am God’s? Why can’t I scream to anyone now that I have come to terms with it?
Why do I not know what to post out of 5 posts made today?
Why did I lose my heart? Will it come back? Is it retrievable to get my imagination and daydreams back?
All of this is going to seem so stupid one day. I already know it’s incredibly selfish. I want to know though, I want to tell people?
God! I need to know how to be me, if me is a valid thing to be, and be Yours at the same time. How? How?
Can you relate to any of these?
Do you want any clarification on them? I have some posts speaking about a couple of these issues, but think them too deep to publish…