When my family isn’t getting along, I don’t feel like eating because I’m not being ‘good enough’ therefore; I don’t deserve nourishment.
When I find that resources are scarce, I feel bad for using so many, and stop wanting to eat.
When I’m planning food for other people, I see just how much needs to be done, and how many things it takes to feed a small group. It causes a lot if internal stress and frustration, and I don’t want to add to it, so I don’t want to eat. Maybe then I’ll have enough money to buy all the food they need.
When I feel bloated, it is an artificial feeling of “fat”. This is really good to know, I think, because if you can eliminate the bloat, you can get rid of those horrible negative feelings, that are complete lies. And at least “bloating” is easier to get rid of than the ill-treated “fat”… For me, a lot of times, I’m not upset at how I look, I am upset at how I feel – like an extra 3 inches is sticking out from every side and everybody sees a person who eats irregardless of need. None of that is true in the least. I use probiotics and listening to my body’s needs to try not to get bloated.
Yesterday, I was feeling fat – i.e. I must have had a bit of bloat. I was feeling terrible too. I have a lot of really, really, minor issues that I deal with within a week’s time that all add up to be a pretty huge enigma. No more than anyone else deals with in their health. 🙂 A lot of these factors ganged up on me yesterday.
Though I am usually an hopping rabbit, I felt like curling up and petting Rimfire all day. I almost had a headache multiple times, and none of my food felt good.
So when T-Man said, “Let’s go longboarding!” I didn’t really feel like it. I wanted to go outside because it was awesome out there, but I didn’t feel like facing a scary hill, then walking back up, then being a bundle of nerves, then walking back up. (I’m still scared of going fast!!)
But I went anyway. I told him I wasn’t feeling well. It’s a catch-all I use with BT. He doesn’t like to know particulars, and often offers the most unhelpful advice.
Which is why I decided to write this post. If a family member or a friend doesn’t know what you feel like or what triggers you, how can they know they are hurting you?
While we were driving to “the hill” I said, “This looks like it could be fun!” Well, long story short, we actually gave it a try, and explored a new area – which was exactly the type of longboarding I felt like doing!
And it was absolutely beautiful!! The sun was setting, the people were nice, and there were not a lot of cars.
T-man has this policy while he is standing on a longboard. If you don’t do well, it’s okay. It’s all about fun! and taking it easy. Calm down and do your best, and have fun!
It’s quite nice as I keep flubbing up and blaming myself because I can do better.
At the end of it, as I gave laying on my longboard a try, T-man said, “Feel better??” I felt bad disappointing him, but said truthfully, “No, not at all.”
“Well, you must have felt better sometime during it, right?”
“No, sorry. No, I remembered it the whole time,” I said.
I remembered every instant, every kid who looked at me, every time I saw my shadow, painfully aware of how bad I must look, how foolish and silly I was looking, and being terribly aware of the poor body feeling in my head.
I said I wanted to go to get some groceries, but was unsure if I had enough money to do that, and feed the guests at a party we are hosting. I’m in charge of selecting and buying snacks.
At T-man’s prompting, I took a chance, and told him the whole schlew of what I was thinking, why choosing and making the snacks was getting to me (all that I knew at the time; while writing, I discovered more), and he passed it off as “wrong”.
I told him he didn’t get it, and whether it was the great weather, or he was chill, or what, he didn’t try to counter argue and make me see his way. He gave me a total break.
In fact, he even asked me a couple questions about myself on the way home – something that never happens. Right after I responded to one of the questions, he said, “I’m telling you! Everyday psychologist, right here.” I had to bite my lip, because he had no idea how to deal with what I was going through. “He is going to move over. And then he is going to stay in his lane.” I let out an inaudible sigh of relief. Good, he still acknowledged his lack of know-how in the field of my mixed-up emotions – but he sure can predict lane changes! We both acknowledge each other to be very people-smart. 🙂 However, (sorry) BT is clueless when it comes to eating disorders.
This is getting to be a very long post!!!!!
In planning this particular party, Mom and I are splitting the ____. I can’t remember the word…
She is doing inviting, selecting, and everything – which has really relieved a lot of the stress factors for me.
And being the most sensitive-to-it one, I am choosing snacks and food.
A lot, a lot, of stuff at parties acts like an unconcious invitation for anorexia, with me.
Hopefully this party I can figure out a good mix between practical healthy, and total dictator. I hate going total dictator, but I think it is easy to feel like you are in this world of so many eating styles, and opinions.
And, since a lot of people don’t share my food courtesies, I feel lost easily. When people come to my house, sit down for hours, they somehow eat 10’s of dollars of food, leaving me with a smile, but an empty inside because I’m glad I could feed them, but it cost me a lot. And I don’t understand how they could do such a thing and not even know. Didn’t you KNOW how much you ate?? Don’t you realize you have consumed way more than an average bear because I set it in front of you? Is there something I should have done?
Snacking, so innocent, but when seen through my eyes, so stressful.
T-man is much more generous than I – I will give away my time, effort and love, with hardly a thought, but T-man will give his hard-earned, little-as-he-has money, food, and treats, with not a bat of his eye. He loves to! I am extremely fair, and can be a terrific hostess (somebody else said it, not me), but I am not as “Have it! Take it all!” As many others are so prone to do. I don’t like it 😦 Yet it is true.
I am now attempting to find a bunch of snacks which I can do that with. Ones where I don’t begrudge the eaters eating. Where I don’t want to call out, “You realize that’s 500 calories for 14, right?” Ones where I am not thinking about the snacks the whole time because of something. Maybe even ones that are low-maintenance so I don’t have to include any warnings “This has peanuts”, “This has garlic”, or complete a lot of refills.
When it comes to having to provide for an unknown appetite that I’ve seen devour an inordinate amount, I get scared. That fear causes a lack of generosity for which I apologize profusely for!!!!
What did help me feel better, while bloated and tired, (for split seconds) was remembering some of — not to be cliche — some of my favorite things – favorite things I often forget about.
- Like fireflies.
- That’s all I got to, but hopefully this helps you too!
Do you have any ideas for party snacks? I’m open to anything!
What is the favorite thing you’ve eaten at a party?
What things help you when you are feeling bad?
Have you had to deal with anything like this?
What is your least favorite thing about planning or hosting a party, and how do you get around it?