I go from thinking I’m fine, I can hang out with people, and melt with the best of them.
To, I’m totally unfit for human consumption.
Today is one of those days.
I think everyone else was okay with my behavior today. But I violated my own code.
I made up silly remarks when I could have been quiet, coming off smarter and making my INTJ more okay with me.
I hate when I do this – this being not holding to my own code. I like not how I be trite when I want to be serious, how I laugh when I want to frown, when I giggle when I’d rather bring out my smarts, why when I’d rather be happy, I am focused on me and my pain…
I said one of those things where I’m not sure I should have said, (“I’m afraid of ants”, to make my childish reaction seem more understandable) but nobody heard me – Yay!, but it is still unsettling. Because, what if they heard me, and it was just so bad that they needed to gloss over it completely?
It really gets me down. I think that is probably one reason I like coming here, to my blog. Whatever stupid things I say on here, isn’t being projected to anyone. Whoever reads it, came here! And I think when I make mistakes, it’ll be more like, “I’ll try again tomorrow”, versus, “I suddenly think this person is very horrible”.
I went out today, with high hopes, but, alas I ruined it.
Anyways, it was pretty cool that even with that, when I was embarrassing us the most, I got a compliment.
It’s so frightening to walk up to a desk and not know what to say. My goal is to get a library card, but how do I lead up to it?
Do I focus on them first? “Hi, how are you?”
But when they say, “Good. How are you?” —should I state my business next, or more pleasantries?
And I can’t just walk up and say, “Hey! Give me a card!” Although my family doesn’t see why this is such a problem for me. They have an easy way about people – leading in and fading out like social pros!
Nor can I say, “Hi, I want to get a library card – that is, if you don’t mind. Well, I don’t really want to get one, because I was fine with the old system my family worked out. So, I just want one to get some books, though I know that is very rude to be all “getting” – and I am kinda just being coerced into this…” That would never fly – one cannot be that truthful, because it is rude in places of business.
So my lips are frozen.
Being pushed more and more to the counter, I got there before I had any sentences formulated.
“….” I said. Nothing. No words came out of my lips. NO words. So unnerving! And this happens so often.
I had this trouble in school. I would be so frustrated, understanding nothing.
“Why don’t you ask for help?” – my family would say.
“Because I don’t know what to ask.”
“Okay, well what don’t you understand?” And we would go through the page.
“Well, I actually understand that… and I understand that.”
“So what don’t you understand?”
“That is what I don’t know! Which is why I have no questions?!”
It is scary to be that unknowing, that unendowed with expressions. It’s frightening to know that anyone can run over you with anything, because you simply cannot say anything.
Family can help, if they so choose, like BT chose today:
“They (gender neutral, for blog, only) want to get a library card.” BT said, with a little bit of a smirk, but mostly just graciously.
“Okay, well just fill this out!!” – the lady said, passing me a paper. She said “She is so cute!!!” to BT – I was glad this was how this super-nervous-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing energy came off to her!
I did, and she typed in my information. When she came to my e-mail address, she laughed.
“Haha! That is so cute! Now I have a good image in my head!”
I smiled. I had deliberated long over my address, wanting it to be one of those that brings people joy when they hear or type it. This was the first time I’d seen it actually do that.
Later, I found myself being too trite, too giggly, too shallow while trying on helmets – I was severely uncomfortable with myself being this way. Why are you not following orders!
Then I got a headache.
I realized I was having one of those days, then. One of those days where I realize I am worthless to live, that I have not reasons to be with people, and that I’m not as cool as I think I am on the days that I think I’m passable for human.
Well, neither is true of course. Everyone* has something to give to a person. Sometimes this is obscured when they are super evil because of their choices, but if they had chosen a path more close to God’s will they would have something, too.
All the “normal”* people have amazing gifts – the weirdos, the popular, the intellectuals, the overworked, beat down, and hampered, and sky-high flying daredevils, and the shooting millionaires.
Everyone has days where they wonder if they are worthless. You’re not.
*(I want to be clear and not offensive: I only exclude those who CHOOSE to be bad, for life, in everything, in every way… which I think is a marked few. So, you should probably be in my “everyone” category!! )