(In case you are wondering, that is a mash-up of the words “friend” and “dilemma”.)
I wish everybody who has any interactions with me could watch Bones. I feel like they might be less offended, and totally be like, “Oh yeah, that makes sense.” (That wouldn’t happen of course – it helps me make sense of myself, it prolly doesn’t help others understand me.) We couldn’t be more different, yet we are exactly the same.
It’s crazy how a well-tuned-to-you TV show can change your life from being seriously lonely, to not feeling so totally alien. For me, that TV show is Bones.
Watching her struggle through issues that come into her life, and Booth and Angela attempting (and succeeding) to explain things to her has helped me immensely. Not help me come to the same conclusions, just to think that maybe somebody really exists that doesn’t mind dealing with my lack of comprehension. Could it be that they really don’t mind? I always feel such a burden when Mom has to slow down to help me out, or I frustrate BT yet again. Or my friend slows down and explains something to me.
Mom tells me it is “really okay!”, but of course, it’s hard to believe when you feel terrible for being different. I think I believe her a little more as life goes on. And when I know to hold my tongue when she really actually needs to do something else!!
So, Bones comes from a life of having to know everything. Things are clearly defined in her life, and when something isn’t, it isn’t in her life. Same here!
When something doesn’t make sense, we both go back and see “How did it begin?” This is a time-consuming, difficult process, but provides a solid, conclusive answer at the end. I go to the Bible for a lot of these answers.
If something doesn’t have a beginning, then the thing is analyzed and picked apart. For example – feelings/emotions. Emotions don’t have a pre-historic/Biblical beginning – they sort of just appear, and must be analyzed for truth-worthiness. Does this thing have any merit? What made it start? Why is it happening? How long is it here for? What is it making me do? What would happen if I decided to feel it? What would happen if I didn’t? And the question I ask most of all – the most, most important to me: Is it Biblical? Just because I am so angry I want to punch someone, that doesn’t mean I should!!! 😀
God’s take on life is super-important to me, so I have an additional level to check everything by. For Bones, she pretty much checks it by the science community. Is this going to be scientific and hold merit for a long time? And I say, despite what is common, or ordinary, is this thing really going to hold up in God’s eyes?
God is just as important to me as ever. His word is still the last word that I base my decisions on, but I have really relaxed this side of me since exiting a rather too-‘far’-for-me church – I have had to trust that not everything is not God. That is confusing I know. God’s systems definitely make inter-personal connections much better (just think: forgiveness, letting people be themselves, not getting angry quickly, taking personal time); but God is unspecific on when hugging is proper, at what time you should approach someone and say hi, etc. So I can look for answers elsewhere. Keep all his tenets, and loosen up
some a lot.
This is pretty much what Sweets did for Bones. Science and fact laid down the rules. Angela laid groundwork for “normal behavior” and Sweets showed Bones how that works/fits in everyday life.
I hope this isn’t too confusing. I really hope! And I really hope none of my words are construed in any way that I don’t take them to mean!
So now to the friendlemma. Knowing now that I look on the world in approximately the same way as Bones’ worldview goes, maybe this next part will make sense.
Heck, it’d probably make sense anyway!
Okay. So friends are one of my favorite things. Friends are like the vanilla in cookies. You can make it without them, but it just doesn’t taste as good, full, rich, or right. You need them if you want to serve it to anybody besides yourself.
So, anyway. I have never had a “normal” experience in making friends. All my lasting friends have had a rather abnormal start.
Example a: I walked into a new church, got found by 2 peeps, 2 minutes later we were friends to last. And we somehow made this decision without any speaking about it at all. And we are still friends, with the same enigmatic agreement. For which I could not be more glad. Knowing that they are by my side no matter what has made my life that much better.
Actually, all other examples include that unspoken agreement that “We will be friends.”
Except for one.
I worked at this place for a while, and wasn’t quite sure about this one fellow-worker. I’m always suspicious of new people. So, I didn’t try to be friends with her. Plus, it’s work. So what am I supposed to do?
Eventually, we both got snowed by the same person, we found out we were the same age, and our schedule threw us together. It was getting harder and harder not to like her.
One day, she just blurted out, “I’ll be your friend!!” — Hey, that made it simple.
I should have started much earlier. I will never forgive myself for being so rude to her at first, ignoring her in deference of the other worker.
I hate losing friends. In fact I consider people who I haven’t heard from in a decade to be my friends. I’m that hopeful that I haven’t harmed them enough and they’d still be friends with me. :0
Anyway, how does one get friends? BT and Mom have tried the tactic of pushing me out into the crowd in order that hopefully, like neutrons and protons, the sheer volume and bouncing off one another will cause connection.
BT, when I haven’t gone out for a while, tells me it’s all my fault that I don’t have friends.
I have proof-positive that is not the case!! Here it is:
I went out yesterday. I saw people who I think I wouldn’t mind being friends with.
But with this culture, you don’t just go up to somebody and say, “Hey, you seem cool. Wanna try being friends.”
I mean the closest we have for that (according to the movies) is dates. We try to choose a life-partner with less gravity than we do for a friend?!
And at the same time, one must be very selective with their friends. Probably 80% of the people you see, you will actually decide you don’t want to be friends with. We don’t have a way of getting to know each other, and then saying, “Nah. We don’t work as friends.”
So, you can’t meet them by going out. You definitely can’t meet them by staying in. You shouldn’t really meet them over the internet. Making friends at work is non-professional, unless it’s like a years-long endeavor so you don’t take up work time – and it’s like that someone you always say hey to, or get a tea after work or something. That’s not neccessarily a friend friend.
So where do these mysterious friends lurk? How does one discover them? How does one find them?
Plus, if one is supposed to find friends while out and about shopping – people are paid to be nice in retail. They may or may not think you are cool, too. Gah!!
Then, if you are friends, why does nobody take the time to contact? Why is contacting one another is so hard? (I’m talking about me here!) I’m always so worried about offending my friends, writing down my thoughts is so hard, then I realize that just telling them my thoughts is selfish, but because I haven’t had too much contact from them, I can’t think of questions to ask them to swing it in the direction of non-me,me,me, and….and plus I just fail, royally, at consistent contact. It’s terrible, I hate that side of me, because I want so so bad to be the best friend to my awesome troopers of pals. When is the time that someone can no longer be classified as a friend?
Which begs the question that begins it all – “What is a friend?”
If that definition doesn’t suit what one is actually looking for, – “What is the name of the thing you are actually looking for?”
And “Does everybody take this as seriously as I do?” If they don’t, then how do they survive?????
“What is a friend” -> “How does one make them, since I have had no normal beginnings?” -> “How does one find them?”
What did you do about it all? How do you know when you can call someone a friend? What if you call them a friend and they actually aren’t?
(Last BTW note: I actually did the typical “make friends” thing – go to each other’s birthday parties, be on the same swim team, play games; and they were absolutely like totally not good friends. Or good people. It was horrible. Horrible. I’m like tearing up. So, that didn’t work either. )
Ooh! And I found a gif – it fits me so well!
Anyways – contrary as this is to my subject matter, this is dedicated to all my friends. I thank you all for being there for me. I learn so much from you guys and think you are amazing, and have so much to give to the world. I love you.
Hey! Any of those questions up there! I have never outgrown the why stage or curiosity, (as maybe shown by my inquisitiveness and analysis) so I would extremely appreciate any input, insight, or personal tales about how you make friends! 🙂 I love hearing from you!
I feel this is one (of about 3-5) reason people don’t want to be friends with me: I can be like this a lot, especially when I get excited.
I plan on adding new pages to my blog: “Why?” and “YouTube” – coming soon!
One last thing:
I really don’t like gifs. Really don’t like gifs on blogs. Because they are so hard to read when something is moving at the same time. So I will use them sparingly; I just think sometimes they add another touch of humor. 🙂