I want to go to this thing.
I mean, you would not believe how much I want to go to it… And it’s more like the possibility, the knowing that it exists, that is more exciting, actually, than the actually going.
That must be confusing.
But anyway, one of the big reasons I want to go, is it’s got this super formal dance, with super casual people, as part of the activities!!!
I’ve always liked old-timey things and find old-time socialization rituals easier to understand than modern ones – like games, vs. hanging at the park, or taking a walk vs. going out to eat…. those weren’t very good examples.
But anyways. I like old stuff. And this is super cool that they have a dance as part of the activities …. where dressing up is a must! I don’t even know how to dance, but I’m excited anyway!
I’ve already planned my dress, and can imagine how it’d look.
But then. I start slipping away.
I think of how I need to be thinner. Of how I need to look better before I become fraudulent decked in a beautiful dress with a less-than-that body.
How I need to decrease the fraud by decreasing my eating. And up the ante by upping my exercise.
Of course, this is not what I need to be thinking.
And it’s not okay, because until I think of this ocassion, I am super fine with my body. We are going at a good pace, towards a goal of a slight reduction in weight, and I’m happy where I am, and glad to be where I am.
But thinking of the thing, I start worrying.
One thing that helps me get the ball of stress out of my chest, is imagining a conversation with somebody who’s consistently been committed to my health.
I think of how I would tell then what I’m thinking, and I can imagine their response. I mean, it kind of gets to be the same thing every time, so I don’t even have to ask them, I know what they are going to say! 🙂 It’s helpful, and takes the stress away for the moment.
Thankfully, I’m not so endangered by this idea and my accompanying thoughts that I need to say “No, just no. For my health, I need to not go.” And I really don’t want to do that! It sounds like the bomb!
But I don’t know how to stop this thinking.
To say, “Er. That is not what I need to do for bladebla reasons.” There is no truth to combat these thinks, and that is how it’s always been.
They are logical thoughts, based in reason. I have, thought by thought, thought of a reason and overturned them with even better logic. But some still remain.
I don’t have a solution. I just hope that before the event arrives, whether or not I go, I haven’t starved myself, even a meal!, and that I haven’t done one move that wasn’t out of love and joy for the funness of it.
And maybe, just maybe, a slight possibility exists that I won’t think I need to look perfect in my dress – though right now that is a CRAZY thought – in order to not be lying to the world, ya know? Maybe someday that thought won’t come, and I can just wear something without having to live up to it, or to the event I’m at.
Or maybe that is just wrong thinking. Idk. Or whatever it is that is bothering me about the event that I can’t quite put my finger on.
But I’m glad for right now. I’m glad for that support from previous conversations whispering in my ear (not literally!) “You know you don’t have to do that.” They are the words I’ve heard my supportive friends, and family say, and they debunk the dark logic.
I’m thankful for the comfort I have in living right now, with a bowl of breakfast, Law & Order on in the background, a snoring Rimfire and a sunny living room. And the ability to take it all in, and not be under the slavery to any anorexic thoughts – not a luxury I’ve enjoyed for long.
I’m thankful, and I know that one day this will be a distant memory – but hopefully not too distant to be able to help others.
Do you like dressing up?
What old-timey activities do you like to do and why? 🙂