I’m not ready for this. For Day 1 of my everyday blog self-challenge..
If you walked in my home right now, you’d see that I wasn’t ready.
I literally JUST sat up. I slept 11 hours last night after eating 1/3 of a pizza, several packs of candy, 3 eps of X files, after helping friends move for ~7 hours (with no brekkies!).
My ponytail, which I just let down probably looked a mess, because I slept soundly last night – an improvement which I have to write about sometime. For the first time in ALL my life, I’m sleeping at night without the chronic bad dreams.
My bed has 3 blankets on it, which I somehow feel gives it a messier lived-in look than a simple quilt.
I have magazines, bathingsuits (it was warm not too long ago), a perfume box, shoe boxes (since repurposed) and lots of stuffed animals thrown around.
I’m still moving back in, and last night there was no time to clean up the accumulated mess.
Plus I have 1 stuffed animal for sleeping, one to hold my earbud cords, and one that cradles my head because it is COLD in here at night.
In short, my room looks messy, and my groggy brain probably does too!
Not only that, I’m not ready because my thoughts took a normal (that is to say, less than buoying) turn this morning.
“Ah! What am I going to blog about?” I thought, “My thoughts are really discouraging me from starting anything new!”
Well,… why not talk about those thoughts?
Great idea other brain. Why not just throw all my insecurities – all the secret things I’m beating myself up for, and withdrawing because, into the world so the secrets are not so secret… Actually, wait, that’s brilliant!
That is the point of this blog. And plus – the VERY wrong things I’ve done break no law, so there is no point in bottling them up inside.
So here goes:
My insecurities (at the mo):
Did I use too strong an adjective with [[name]]?
There is a private group conversation that I was so kindly invited to, and I really enjoy talking with the people on there. They are super nice (usually a lot more effusive and nicer than I am) and so I try to take my cues from them. If I don’t match the kindnesses they say, then I’ll come off as cold. If I match them then I’m going straight into my fears.
But in a disjointed convo one morning, [[name]] brought up the idea of exchanging addresses so we could send each other cards. Nobody had thought of the obvious roadblock of cost yet (which is a topic that comes up often!) so I wanted to jump on board and say that sounded awesome, before practical details got involved.
Yes, let’s see me think on my feet – it’s quite hilarious.
Well, I thought I fared pretty okay.
But thinking back on it, and looking back on it, I’m just biting my lip and kicking myself. That was terrible. I don’t even want to look at it, it was bad, awful.
The difference would be I’d stay silent, or a couple of words would be changed. A small difference, can make a big change, but am I freaking out over nothing?
I don’t see how that’d be possible because THAT is terrible.
Should I have written that tweet differently? I’m sure I should’ve? But how? (Round and round it goes when it stops no one knows)
On my last post, concerned if I talked about them but didn’t mention that I did, when I could, I linked Shannon A. Thompson & Malinda Kathleen Reese in the post tweet.
Now I’m concerned that it was done wrongly. I’m not currying for attention, I just didn’t want to talk about them behind their back. Plus I thought if I were them I’d like to know what was being written on the interwebs about me. BUT IT’S PROVEN – few people are like me.
And did how I hastily wrote it in my tweet sound bad? I should probably delete it. But then — what if they wanted to know?
I’m still really worried about the private Twitter conversation and me making a fool of myself. (How? SOMEHOW. I don’t know.)
But what else is bugging me?
Well, I wrote an email back to a company, and instead of starting a new email conversation, I “replied”, so maybe I did the wrong step there.
Okay, so it’s at this point that to be honest, I must admit it looks like only two things completely spun me down. Sure, in my mind these are cardinal sins – using your voice to make someone else uncomfortable is unacceptable to me.
But should that be enough to make me cower, to give me pause for the day and say you should not have any interaction because you are deadly?
While I am sure, I’m not so sure. Objectively, I think people around me would say no.
But, I’m glad – though it disturbs my life – that these things give me pause. That I analyze my life (perhaps too much), and look for pitfalls.
Erm, sorry, I’ve lost my words…
I’m glad I look at myself and see how could I hurt people less and live better, automatically, versus it being a foreign concept to change myself when things are going wrong in my world. It’s my first instinct to look at me, and try to institute change.
Where I draw the line, is what I need to learn. Badly need to learn. (Maybe?)
What’s your take on the things that are scaring me?
What are some things that make you want to retreat into yourself?