I’m studying to take a test
To go to a place I don’t want to go
To get a degree
So I can do what I want to do
People say it’s pointless to do something without the knowledge you need
People see grand gestures. All of a sudden nothing else matters
Then you live, and those small faithfulnesses make the world go ’round
But when we live, we’re told go big or go home,
That nothing small matters
I’m studying and focusing so hard for something I don’t want
The college I wanted lost their morals
Now I need a new place
But I want to do to many things
I want to do them all now
I don’t want to waste four years
I want to do
I want to start
It doesn’t even have to be grand, but I want to be the initiating force
2 decades is too long to be the one always learning, always wrong
I want to make experiments, I want to try, I want to fail, I want to win
I want to initiate
But I’m studying for a test
To get into a school
I don’t even know which one
To get a degree I don’t want
To start a job I do – but I’m worried will hurt the economy.
I’m having so much trouble
My brain can’t stop thinking about the morality of my purchases yesterday, and my comfort in my first world surroundings, and what school I should go to, and whether or not I should try the over-populated film school and be a bloated fat-cat, or whether I should be some moralistic business know-it-all with the dream I had but dead because I’m operating off knowledge again…
I can’t focus on my book. It’s pointless anyway isn’t it? The end goal is no longer there. I’m running to nothing. Every replacement just seems futile.
How do I know when I’m being compassionate enough to people in less-good positions than I? How do I know I’m not being a millenial first-world, American brat? How do I know what degrees God is pleased with?
Every option has a moral. Every time your eyes are opened it hurts.
I kind of just want to live. To try. And fail.
But instead everything has a good and bad. And right now I’m just spun around in that.
And I always want to do two things.
Rescue dogs – make a TV show
Be a baker – be a singer
Go shooting – play a game
Go horse back riding – stay inside and read
When do I ever know which was the right choice? When do I say something and not have it duplicitous because there is something else I always want to do, but I only think of one at a time?
Thirdly.. I realize I feel people know what they are good at. Or somebody tells them, and they pursue that.
I wish there was a way I could test all sorts of professions, jobs, skills. I don’t know anything that I’m good at. So, I feel really directionless in this way.