Naturally Dreamy

A blog about my life as a mostly INFP living with an ESFJ, INTJ, and my pup. I blog about earth-friendly living and life through my eyes – not necessarily in that order. Come put your feet up where life is Naturally Dreamy!

The Point?

1 Comment

I’m studying to take a test

To go to a place I don’t want to go

To get a degree

So I can do what I want to do

 

People say it’s pointless to do something without the knowledge you need

People see grand gestures. All of a sudden nothing else matters

 

Then you live, and those small faithfulnesses make the world go ’round

 

But when we live, we’re told go big or go home,

That nothing small matters

 

I’m studying and focusing so hard for something I don’t want

The college I wanted lost their morals

Now I need a new place

 

But I want to do to many things

I want to do them all now

I don’t want to waste four years

I want to do

I want to start

 

It doesn’t even have to be grand, but I want to be the initiating force

2 decades is too long to be the one always learning, always wrong

I want to make experiments, I want to try, I want to fail, I want to win

I want to initiate

 

But I’m studying for a test

To get into a school

I don’t even know which one

To get a degree I don’t want

To start a job I do – but I’m worried will hurt the economy.

 

I’m having so much trouble

My brain can’t stop thinking about the morality of my purchases yesterday, and my comfort in my first world surroundings, and what school I should go to, and whether or not I should try the over-populated film school and be a bloated fat-cat, or whether I should be some moralistic business know-it-all with the dream I had but dead because I’m operating off knowledge again…

I can’t focus on my book. It’s pointless anyway isn’t it? The end goal is no longer there. I’m running to nothing. Every replacement just seems futile.

How do I know when I’m being compassionate enough to people in less-good positions than I? How do I know I’m not being a millenial first-world, American brat? How do I know what degrees God is pleased with?

Every option has a moral. Every time your eyes are opened it hurts.

I kind of just want to live. To try. And fail.

But instead everything has a good and bad. And right now I’m just spun around in that.

And I always want to do two things.

Rescue dogs – make a TV show

Be a baker – be a singer

Go shooting – play a game

Go horse back riding – stay inside and read

When do I ever know which was the right choice? When do I say something and not have it duplicitous because there is something else I always want to do, but I only think of one at a time?

 

Thirdly.. I realize I feel people know what they are good at. Or somebody tells them, and they pursue that.

I wish there was a way I could test all sorts of professions, jobs, skills. I don’t know anything that I’m good at. So, I feel really directionless in this way.

Advertisements

Author: Arctic Hare!

I write Naturally Dreamy and have a lot of fun with that!

One thought on “The Point?

  1. I sssoo hear you! So sorry, it can be so hard to find our way sometimes. I’ve been in this circle, this cycle numerous times. I give huge hugs to you and say you are not weird or alone in thinking and feeling this way! : D I keep seeking and pursuing God through all of the times I feel like this. I do not feel I have ‘arrived’ yet, but have found direction to go in through my seeking and pursuing. This seems to be the very individual journey each person must go on. If we mindlessly choose something to go after, we could end up years from now ‘lost’ and not knowing who we are. You are starting with being mindful, so I think you have the best chance of being directed onto the path of who you really are and what will be truly fulfilling to you and in God’s will. At the risk of sounding trite, seeking Him first has been the most help to me. When I’ve sought answers and solutions over Him (or trying to do it outside of or apart from Him), I can get turned around and confused. Huge hugs to you. I know you have a huge heart and I believe it will turn out well.

    *I’m feeling ‘cold and yet cheery’ with watching the blog’s snowflakes coming down inside my kitchen as I write this Lol*

    Liked by 1 person

I want to hear your thinks... about anything...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s