This is not a good idea.
But I’ve got to not be alone, right? There’s probably some other lonely, tired, confused INFP out there thinking – well if they’re like me – a lot of thoughts!
I’m tired and I’ve learned that I’m weird when I’m tired!
I think I’m super fun – I make funny connections, and say more because I’m not overthinking everything. But, being tired is such a weird place for me because it’s a weird combination of being open, less censored, wordy, & forgetful all at once.
But I also regret every word I say, like because I can’t censor it it must be poison. I worry so much.
At this stage of sleepy tiredness, I’m finally okay with sharing everything in my mind (I’ve been learning about Fi cognitive function – it wants to keep all it’s feelings to itself, which explains a lot about my life), but because I don’t censor, I still try to keep everything to myself.
I at once want to share all my secret stories, funny jokes and feelings, but am too worried to because I know that in this openness I could have harm. Like an escalating children’s game a harmless fun start can end in dire straits.
So yeah, maybe that won’t happen, you say – and one anecdote to back that up is this one I hold in my heart:
It was 10pm at night, and I was watching TV with BT when I saw a commercial for pizza.
“Mm, pizza,” I said.
“Actually, Domino’s might still be open,” BT mentioned.
I leapt up and checked the clock and said “They are?!?” really happily, and in that split second I just reacted and emoted without society’s values, without my own monetary worries, just me and my happiness about pizza.
BT laughed and said, “Every once in a while the unadulterated, filtered, raw you comes out and we see what you really think.” He said it approvingly, at once chiding me for hiding everything in and also caringly for the real person I guard inside. It’s a memory so rare and so odd I definitely had to save it, and refer to it every once in a while.
There’s my dichotomy for the day. And I think I’m going to just focus on getting some sleep, playing with my dog, and chilling. Not necessarily in that order.
Ciao! Have a great night. 🙂
Can you relate? What are you like when you are tired?