It’s my 3 year blogging anniversary (this March — when I started writing this post! :)). I had no idea!
When I started this blog, I was tired of my INTJ’s and I’s interactions, frustrated at the din of my life, discovering the world of MBTI, and had just once and for all said “no way” to my ED.
I had had my laptop for a few months, had started dying my hair with the encouragement of my family [something I had not dreamed of doing, worried just to ask them if they thought if it might be okay to some-day do it], and was adjusting to life in my new home and accepting my new weight. There was a lot of new stuff going on, a lot of it far from comfortable.
That year, I asked for challenges for my birthday, and was overwhelmed at the reception and replies that I got. It took me almost half a year to send out my thank you’s because I was so nervous.
Though just a month apart, the picture of the raindroppy spiderweb, and the box-maze I made to help LL’s waning spirits, I feel the million miles in between.
I grew up in the months between summer and winter it seems that year, feeling less sorry for myself, and able to speak up more.
Though it took me years to not break into a panic from the thought of LL’s death that year (because I feel as if I killed her since she declined under my watch), I still feel like those few months brought a lot of growth.
BT and I were discovering that winter, venturing out into the nearby woods to clear the creeks, exploring my inspired-by-transcription-naturalist-friends wonderings about tracks in the sand. Life got a bit harder, but we managed. I started to doubt things again, but tried to inflict it less on my family. (I don’t think it worked.)
Confused (re: my mission in life, liberty and the pursuit of happyness, pretty much) — as seems to be my normal state? — that summer, I nonetheless, continued to bake unique recipes and join GISHWHES (if some of these references seem obscure, it’s because I’m going through my photos to figure out what happened during the year! XD — the only other photo from this time was the pictures of the Mii’s I made based off of NCIS and anime characters — and that doesn’t really say anything about anything! XD).
That summer, my roommate achieved a big goal, and we went out to celebrate.
I began to grab hold of the lessons I heard around me, throw away the rules and LIVE, and love those around me. I still don’t understand why they have an effect but Dutch (Killjoys) and Castiel (Supernatural) began to deeply inspire me and they continue to – reminding me some really cool lessons about how there is more. More out there. In a sort of not-typical way.
A few troubles surfaced, but nothing that communication didn’t, for the most part, resolve and BT and I took up yet another earth-exploration hobby, inspired by The Detectorists.
We celebrated all sorts of finds that were only amazing because we’d found them beneath the earth when we had no idea they were there – like radiator fans, streetlight bolts and numerous bottlecaps.
Through all of this my family encouraged me to go farther, be braver and try new things. My friends supported me, too. And I did – I tried new things.
I made a super traditional (which means for us, super un-normal) supper that Fourth of July, encouraged and helped by some of my online friends. It was truly grand, but more than that, fun!
College? Job? Other? Agggh! were all questions I frequently asked (even on my blog, I think) and the answers DID present themselves. I decided nope on college, for the time being, and I got a job that year. I was (for the second time in my job history) requested to be their new employee! Hehe, I didn’t even have to search for this sudden job, which since I’m probably not great at interviews, and have no transportation, was a very big concern of mine in trying to find a job. I was, and am, ecstatic. I love having work.
This winter we had fun times. I was a part of one of Malinda Kathleen Reese’s videos. I filmed a 5 minute video of my family and I just goofing off.
Rimfire had his 3rd surgery, I fretted, but I did not cry like the first time he went for a dental. He got pretty sick a couple of weeks later; probably partly my fault, since I didn’t realize that he was supposed to get an entire meal with his antibiotic. The more you know. What happened – a mysterious bulge appearing on his chin – somewhat puzzled the vet, but together he was back in tip-top shape within a few days. We still don’t know if it was an infection, reaction, or spider-bite that caused it! The vet and staff were so amazing to work with, squeezing us in and not even charging us for office visits when we had to consult them 2x in one day.
Now, the season of new growth has circled once again. BT and I have already started a new endeavour: planting a bee garden (I started, and he thought it was so great he joined in).
I’ve been promoted thrice in my job and have been lauded as a good worker, (though I still worry!). I’m not worried about school, though, trusting it to come when it’s time. It’s about time for me to re-certify for my veterinary-subsection certificate. Mom and I have had at least one deep conversation this year, and BT and have explained some big facet of truth at least once. We’ve gone on a few adventures, explained a few mistakes. Pretty much life as usual in my household. 🙂
I spilled all my beans to my friend a year and a half ago. In reply, she said she’d try to find a way that I could live and be happy in this world. By some backwards-ass way of doing it, I think it’s come true.
BT wants to see me stand up for myself and think. My mom wants to see me happy and brave. One friend encouraged me to seize the moment and enjoy every day with the people I love. I think all of their hopes are coming true. Probably not past-tensely but … hey growth is good.
I read a book by Lindsey Stirling (which I loved by the way) and at the end of it I thought, “We don’t change; we rebuild.” I believe BT is correct that “humans don’t change”. I think it’s more like this.
Things come along and break us down. How we rebuild is what changes us. The building blocks are the same but how we assemble can be different. We can build back up stronger than before or weaker. We might be awkward and ungainly, or join seemlessly in with the landscape. The possibility to be who we are is always within us; within everything that happens, we have the chance to rebuild, and in that is where the change happens.
This thought cheered me. I know my friends and family believe in me. I know that I don’t believe in my own abilities. But I know that I change a little bit each year and I’m not stuck where I am.
As for my blog, I know I want to quit all speaking online several times a year, most times worried about my impact how I come across. I know that having a lot to censor to stay completely anonymous stifles a lot of posts I’d share.
But I’ve enjoyed this blog. I enjoy the people I’ve met and sharing the parts of my life that I do, and hearing the feedback, too!
So, thanks to you! Thanks for following me, thanks for writing (if you’re a writer, too! :)) and thanks for being a part of these last 3 years. Here’s to 3 more rebuilding ones and new explorations to all of us.