I have some thoughts. Some feelings. Things I’ve been trying not to tell people out of concern I’ll come off as nutty. These are some thoughts I’ve been having. This may be more of a ramble, but each subsection has a sorta point to it. 🙂 Feel free to share your recent thoughts, too.
Three years ago, a cashier was nice to me – like over and above nice. I spent a year and a half in limbo, trying to figure out what to do about it. Nobody else knew.
Of course I came to the conclusion that the only sane thing for me to do was to do nothing. Which I solidly did while having my heart stop every time I nearly ran into him, or BT commented on something he did, and scribbling down every time I ran into him in my journal while laughing at myself – because every shopping trip he was there something weird happened.
This January I joined an online dating site, while I have zero interest in dating. This was the year I was going to do things I’d wanted to do, and I’d been curious about these-here dating sites for a while.
As my life usually goes, I messaged one dude who looked really nice, but sent back the wEirDest and most pat messages, and I messaged one dude just to say “hey, there’s a club for that interest, just in case you didn’t know.” He asked me if I liked the dating site, and a couple of other well-thought out questions, and from there an instant acquaintanceship sprang up.
He, BT and I met up and talked for 5 hours in a coffee shop, while rain clouds gathered overhead. The way home was hairy as the rain poured down, and the slick black roads concealed potholes and lane lines, but I was excited about talking to him again.
I waited a week – no word. I couldn’t tell if I had been naive, or if something had gone wrong.
I took the first step and messaged him – like, uh… what’s up?
(And yes, this is the experience that prompted me to write The Hidden Diamond of Acceptance.)
He messaged me back saying he’d written me but assumed I wasn’t interested in talking anymore because I hadn’t written back. Then I wrote him back saying, “ah, no, sorry I didn’t get your message”. And then I waited. And waited.
And then he said, “I realized I really am not happy here and decided to get a new job and move.” And then I was like “Okay… so? (because I have a really weird life and this is not even the hardest thing I’ve been through with my friends). Then he wrote back and said “and this last week, my grandma died. I don’t think I have the ability to keep this friendship up with all this stuff going on.”
To say I was devastated is putting it lightly which is why I consider myself so nuts.
Like really. All we’d done was message each other and talk for one day and here I was super upset that.. what? We wouldn’t get to be friends?
I was upset that I wouldn’t have someone to talk to and answer all those intriguing questions we’d been putting to each other. I was frustrated I wouldn’t be able to have another friend in my life who was different from my family and my other friends. I felt chop-blocked that I was going to have someone local I could call up and be like “wanna do this?” and now, that dream was gone away like a puff of dust.
I messaged him back semi-gracefully, delivered the news to BT who was excited for him (we’re pretty sure our conversation about just up and moving when we needed to may have inspired him to do the same) and to my Mom. And I didn’t tell them that all my thoughts were caught up.
And it wasn’t just me & my lack of letting go. The reminders came themselves. Over the next few weeks, we watched his favorite movie, we met people who had his same job, we went to the disc golf course he’d recommended to us…
Now, 7 months later, I’m finally only missing the experience like every 3 days. I still mentally Gibbs-slap myself for being so clingy.
At some point I’ll probably look back on this time and rue the energy I used on these mostly fruitless efforts. I look forward to that growth, actually. 🙂 Even while not looking forward to the near-regret that usually comes with it.
(Insert Chandler quote: “You know, I rued the day once. Didn’t get a whole lot else done.”)
Before I’ve been frustrated with the how I pursued religious correctness, societal expectations, filial correctness, and other things. I’ve for awhile wanted something I can pursue wholeheartedly and never be upset I did or upset others in my quest. My mom is the same way. I think everyone is really. Willing to go to great lengths or even extremes to obtain a goal. Yet when we see someone doing it usually we think “haha they’re so weird, crazy, amazing, etc.”
For now I attempt to retain a sensible moderality while maybe fooling myself that I can, when I fall into things like this.
Also, I’m probably lonely and looking for a piece missing from my life (the only one I can think that’s missing right now is talking to someone who doesn’t mind what I say or how I say it) – despite how comfortable my lot is. Sometimes I get a glimpse, and it’s all I can do not to fall for it realizing it’s not my time yet. It’s time for me to grow, investigate, not to hold on.
I’ve always had a deathgrip, actually. I was often told as a kid to hold something and then quickly re-told, “Don’t death grip it!!” It was like my default was to hold something so tightly there was no chance of it leaving.
Either way, lots of people have pieces missing. It’s comforting to know it’s not just me, and that things aren’t cookie cutter. Each person is going to have different lots in their lives and each person will have chances to grow in different ways. But often we’ll learn similar lessons, and go through parallel circumstances.
Another thing I’ve thought of is instead of trying to combat feelings and thoughts, it’s seems more effective to recognize their existence. Hold them apart – no need to internalize them if you don’t want to – and investigate them further. Rather than just saying, “You shouldn’t have this, you shouldn’t do this, you shouldn’t feel that way.”
For me, if I do that, it tends to just keep coming back and keep coming back. So even if I’m the silliest person in the world for feeling what I do, I hope to learn good lessons from them as they drift by. 🙂
🌸 🌸 🌸
I feel quite strongly that we’re overblowing romantic relationships. Not that they aren’t there, important, or pretty cool, but that it sometimes is the ONLY type of relationship celebrated.
(Reading this prompted a renewed interest in me of thinking about other types of relationships:)
I think we need more portrayals of diverse relationships in media. Twenty One Pilots has released several albums, and only one song is a love song. It’s weird that that’s weird.
I think we should show more people dealing with their internal conflict and the solutions they find. Having a bad day, and going to their friends for comfort. Needing advice and asking their siblings. The everyday struggles that truly are every day. I mean, there are many “single person” tweets and blog posts out there XD Is a song really that relatable if it’s talking about dating? While it’s easy to imagine, maybe it’d be good if we reinforced that it wasn’t necessary. Ya know?
But it seems to have almost become wrong to find comfort and love anywhere but a significant other’s arms. I am by no means the expert here – I am just trying to fish out the truth about this from the many lies and I believe and have believed. I still don’t know what the truth is. What relationship is allowed to do what.
But no matter what the answer to that is – I love that Twenty One Pilots has released so many songs just dealing with the struggle that is living with a brain and a soul in one body. 🙂
🌸 🌸 🌸
I took a trip recently. And while I had a bunch of fun, one of the members of the trip party did not. It was too hot, too humid, too slow, too fast. We were too talkative, or misunderstanding, or… And now that we’ve got back nothing has really changed. “When will summer be over? Why didn’t you say so? Why are you telling me this? I’m just gonna go.”
And it’s reminded me that 1. You shouldn’t fear physical harm from anyone near you. And if they did? You have every right to protect yourself. (I fear physical harm at the slightest irritation – it’s such a relief to remember this is not normal, and if it was, I could defend myself from it, and the argument wouldn’t be “was I unkind?” but “that was completely wrong! Are you okay?”.) 2. If someone is just being a difficult cantankerous cricket, then it’s really not a problem to just be like, “well, lol, I’m here.” Difficult people need love too. And love is sometimes being tried and staying anyway.
And finally, fear can stop me from hearing. If I’m afraid because I’m falling back into “every retort is a step closer to being yelled at” then I’m going to eventually stop listening, and start just trying to defend myself.
Fear advertises itself as a shield. And it works really good when you ARE in a hostile environment.
But when you’re actually surrounded by people who have proven they care about you, and sorta understand how to show it, then fear can just make a situation worse. Taking down the shield of fear may actually help stop a situation escalating, and be more “protective” than if you left up that only semi-as-advertised protection barrier.
That’s all my thoughts for today. Weird and prolix (I just found that word in the thesaurus as I was writing this :D) as they are lol.
I hope you have enjoyed, and gained something haha, even just knowing there is someone else in the universe going through something like you may be. 🙂
Peace, everyone! 🙂