Naturally Dreamy

A blog about my life as an INFP living with an ESFJ, INTJ, and my pup. I blog about earth-friendly living and life through my eyes – not necessarily in that order. Come put your feet up where life is Naturally Dreamy!


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Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?

I was talking to BT yesterday, and he said how it was frustrating how even with how long you might know someone, it seems that trust isn’t really cultivated. He meant a different sort of trust – like trusting someone’s judgement – but what struck me is the horrbile trait that I don’t tend to trust someone as “they would never do ___” even after knowing them for a while.

If I consider how I trust other people, I think to myself, I never am sure that they wouldn’t hurt me. Or lie to me. Or do something horrendous for some reason.

I was thinking about it as I packed away recycling in the vehicle, that I don’t think that’s really what it is. I think it’s the same thing that stymied my starting to recover from an ED – I saw people for their weight (a lot of times), so I expected the same. I didn’t realize that that could change – and it did. But it took me recovering, first.

So I thought, I can’t trust someone else to not be something, if I never trust all of who I am with anyone. If I never reveal all of myself to someone I could never expect to know who they are all the way through, either… could I?

I tend to not want to alienate people, so I don’t show sides of myself. For instance, maybe, I don’t show the part of me that is really conservative (or I don’t want them to think their views aren’t welcome because they differ from mine – I don’t mind that). Or I don’t want to scare people so I don’t reveal my temper (or say I have one). People get annoyed at people who are excited so I won’t be excited. I try to cut away and whittle off anything that someone might wish for me not to be.

But you can’t grow by cutting off pieces of yourself.

Yet I think that’s what character development *looks like* to me a lot of times. (And I tend to get well-convinced by “looks like”.)

Take Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec. I think BT and I are in the 3rd season? When he starts his Rent-A-Swag business endeavour there is definitely some character development going on.

It looks like him deciding to NOT be a party boy and NOT be this or that. That’s my first thought. Look at all the things he didn’t do.

But those things he didn’t do, weren’t the point. He decided to stay true to his word. Take care of his friendships.

And as they discussed in a succeeding episode, if Tom tried not to be the confident, flashy person he is, then his new business would definitely fail.

He shouldn’t throw all his money into trivial items for his business – as he might have done – but if he “cuts that off” and doesn’t spend any of it, that’s not good either. The growth was to use it in things that appealed to him, and they all pitched in to help build the items he needed. Character growth.

I’ve never been great at nuances. (Hey, look, there’s a character trait someone may not like about me!) When I learned horseback riding, and my teacher was trying to teach me something, my mom would take me aside after the lesson and say “exaggerate it, do the complete opposite of *insert bad habit teacher was trying to break* and you’ll hit the middle.”

So if somebody cheers on somebody’s character growth and I think “Look, they didn’t do something, and that was good! I saw it, too, that was really helpful for them, and I’d much more enjoy spending time with them now, too.” I think “I won’t do things, either!”

Well, that has been proven to not work. And even though I’m much more trusting, and expressive, than I was there for a while, I still would describe myself as “not trusting”. I’m not sure if that actually manifests in my life, or if I really do blanketly (I kinda feel I don’t) not trust anyone. But I do believe I’d be hindered in being able to trust someone if I never chose to show that person the less-“good” parts about me.

And, wouldn’t it be true that nobody can trust me if I conceal so much…

 

Growth is about growing, and if you chop off everything, there’s nothing left to grow. And if “change” is really rebuilding like I feel better describes it, there’s got to be something to start from.

(Full disclosure: the people closest to me probably know all of me, even if I try to not show it XD When I say, well actually I have ____, they’re like “Oh good. I’m glad you know it, too.” or “Uh-huh, I could read it on your face!”)

I gotta be honest though. My high energy never seems to be a good match for anything…

And if the internet and stories from other people have taught me anything – it’s that frequently, (if you have a good heart), when you are real, and have flaws, it’s encouraging, humorous, helpful, and it sometimes even helps you and everyone else grow. 🙂

Q&A:

Has there ever been anything you tried to chop off, that you realized later wasn’t helpful like you thought’d be?

Do you have any special plans for the weekend? or Thanksgiving? 🙂

 

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A Discussion about a Subject of Unknown Origin that is just about as abstruse and abstract as this Title

A few short months after victoriously gaining a license, I lost it. I have every other previous version of it, but the newest one just vanished!

“To your credit,” said BT peeking into my room midway-through-ransack, “I thought, ‘where would she keep something like this besides her wallet?’ and I couldn’t think of anything. You’ve definitely done your due diligence.” We searched for another half hour. It is nowhere to be found.

But the thorough overturning of all storage spaces mine caused me to think a few thoughts.

There’s like a category of my brain that is like “that is it’s place” and it goes back in that place, and I’m just so tickled and happy that I’ve got a place for it. Slingshot goes on bed, next to books. Receipts with story ideas go in the paper stack below the books. The ages-old origami game goes in the hidden compartment in my backpack.

And the only thing that I can think of as to why that gives me so much satisfaction is the pretty much catch-all excuse (which I’m wary of using, but will if I need to pinch hit a reason/intro to my life to someone) that I’ve moved a lot.

So saying, “This goes, here and that goes there” is sorta opposite.

Hand in hand is my sad, sad, sad made up bed. At least I’ve been told it was sad. Even Mom said my oh-so-precious quilt was on it’s last legs. It’s yellowed with age, the quilted squares are losing their middle and exposing the stuffing below. There’s even an edge section that’s torn away from the rest of the blanket that sometimes my arm goes through gets caught.

I have had this quilt for as long as I can remember, and it’s just as comfy as it’s always been. It keeps me warm, or cool, and it’s just perfect. But apparently it looks terrible now.

And I have a “pillow” that has had such a life, that it by all rights should be retired. It traveled internationally, then half way across the country, got chewed on by Rimfire as a pup, causing the outer case to shred. Now it has no outer case and I contain the matted, permanently fused, hardened, foam stuffing in a sham.

Mom and BT and me just shake our heads when we see it. But it still serves it’s purpose. It gives just a little bit more of height than one pillow, which is all I need.

But by all intents it could definitely just be retired.

Why don’t I? Why don’t I just say, “No I won’t use you any more?” Why am I so glad I have places and things and put them back where they came from? It’s like I need some sort of continuity in my life, and I wonder how much that is true for humans.

I bet my friend is tired of me telling her, but I still haven’t yet reconciled my life with other people’s so it still comes up. My “family” contains a grand total of three people. I have virtually no past, and no future. I’ve lived nowhere long, and have no roots. Is this weird? Is this normal? Is my psyche different than others and if so in what way? I would love to know this. It would be so cool to know.


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Commitment Issues

There is a lot of talk about “sticking with it” “trying harder” “if only”.

I also have an annoying custom to take a concept, or truths and apply them from there on out.

Good in theory, but it raises issues down the line. It’s probably most irritating, because it’s below the surface, and so I’ll be acting on guidelines, hints and principles that my friends and family aren’t even aware of, yet I’m doing so because it has been bounced around in enough sources to be shown as true.

And for whatever reason I seek for “universal truth” – rules and ideas that can stay consistent from the first Mesopotamian to the future latex-wearing, space-ship flying generations. I look for truths that apply to people with all religions, and from all countries.  I test veracity by seeing where it springs holes, and how narrowly it has to apply to work.

While this does narrow down the things in which I will put confidence in, it also means that once I find a principle that seems to work over all of these variables, I also apply it to everything – a bit like some with ketchup.

So when people say “if only they’d tried harder” and chorus of nods follows, and then I see this hold up time and again – people who succeed and do great things have indeed ‘tried harder’ in the past and that’s why they’re at where they’re at and happy, successful, world-changing, etc.

Not that I actually want any of those things, but people who have gotten to that point positively influence other people’s lives; I want to positively influence people’s lives; I must try harder.

At what??

Well… here’s where it gets silly.

Free time – what do you think it’s for? You’re probably correct. *ding*

In my head it was a time to practice, try and perfect any and all hobbies I might get or set my hands on, in order to never have “not tried hard enough”.

I’ve also talked over some broad money-concepts now that I’m getting some extra spending money and what am I free to make silly mistakes on and what should really be set aside for necessary purchases? I was advised on what could really be just freely-spent money, and this was the allusion Mom referred to when she discussed this with me.

“That time is your free time! Your “mad-time” like “mad-money” as some people call it. You are not responsible for anything in it. You’ve already taken care of your responsibilities, and you can just do whatever in that time.”

Sillily, I started tearing up. It was too good to be true!

“And if you never touch those paints you bought… or if you want to stop piano tomorrow! Hey, that’s fine.”

Now I was really starting to get it. BT had alluded to this before – how he wished he’d known earlier that starting and not continuing with projects and interests was okay not only okay, but encouraged.

Now, Mom was saying it. And it’s not like they don’t have any experience in these things, both have had regrets that they didn’t stick with or finish one thing or another. Yet despite all of this, and all of their admirable work ethic, they were telling me this.

This made a lot of sense and was freeing! I don’t have to produce something awesome from my free time; I don’t even have to continue with hobbies I’ve started.

The concept of “keep going” “don’t give up” and other such well-intended missives were apparently not always true. Apparently it was okay to chill every once in a while and just make something because I wanted to! or to explore a new hobby with no strings attached, and to be told that I wouldn’t be letting anyone down, or failing someone in someway – the freedom in that was astounding! 🙂

That was pretty cool.

Scan 4.jpeg

This is the painting I made 2 weeks ago with new paints I bought (they came in a wooden box!!), and painted on my free time! XD It’s not awesome, to be sure, but for my first time painting (basically), and with those paints I was moderately happy with how it turned out. 🙂 (P.S. – mountains in foreground, sand, then sea  – and the white line is the horizon, lol) (Acrylic paints on copy paper.)

 


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Chatting – No seriously, this is just me rambling

I wrote such a heartfelt post yesterday.

But then I hit control ‘w’ and whatever that does, it does not save your work.

But, I’m feeling talkative.

Anyone interested in listening into my rambles?

I’ve got extra energy – which is weird because I’ve had 2 or 3 rather long workdays, just “worked out” while watching a YouTube video and also finished baking and washing dishes (a miniscule amount of both).

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Dreaming

People say with my personality type I have trouble keeping my feet on the ground. “My heads always in the clouds.” Dreaming all the time.

This never seemed to apply to me.

I called this “Naturally Dreamy” because it was my favorite description of the INFP personality type. I like the word dream, and I like dreamcatchers.

I am analytical, literal, and love definitions and guidelines. I laugh at jokes, see truth in situations, and love my dog.

None of this much seems to say I don’t cope with everyday life.

Today, though, I saw a way that I am nearly always dreaming.

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Right in the feelings!

It’s good to feel. Even hurt.

When you feel hurt, remember the other people who cause you to have feelings. Remember how they care about how you are feeling and care if you are hurt.

Then the hurt isn’t so bad, eh? Not with that balancing out. And you remember feeling is good. What you feel is not permanent, they fluctuate and spin changing to circumstances and situations. It’s good to feel; remembering that they change is an aid to balance a deep hurt or joy, not to banish it.

Just some INFP thoughts on this early night… 🙂