Naturally Dreamy

A blog about my life as an INFP living with an ESFJ, INTJ, and my pup. I blog about earth-friendly living and life through my eyes – not necessarily in that order. Come put your feet up where life is Naturally Dreamy!


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Lots of Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts on my brain today. Would you mind if I told you some of ’em?

One of my friends is coming to visit me soon, and I’m off the charts excited!! My brain is also raising some good questions – What meals shall I make? What activities do I not want to forgot about doing? – and some not so good ones – What if she hates my where I live? What if she can’t stand my music? What if I tell her all the wrong stories?

The music one is the one I think of most frequently. I pretty much listen to music all my waking hours, and I’ve learned what my family likes and doesn’t like, so we can mutually enjoy what we are listening to. But I have a plan! I’ll ask her what she likes and doesn’t like in music (for example, it took me a while to get used to BT’s new set of music, but I actually ended up loving a lot of it in the end – wait that’s not an example – I mean, he tailored some of it, and when I learned that things actually wouldn’t break my preferences, I was a lot more open. Not that I want her to be open, I just don’t want it to be this weird foreign experience like it was. Or at all uncomfortable. So this analogy helps my head, but doesn’t convey?) What I’m trying to say (I think) is maybe instead of worrying about this, maybe it’s better to just ask if she would mind music, and what type she likes! Boom! 🙂

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I’m rediscovering some of the reasons I loved Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore or at least some things I really enjoy about it! As a kid, I didn’t understand why people re-read books – even if they really loved them.

But, I had wanted to re-read Nanny Diaries, and Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore. I recently purchased a copy of buying Mr. Penumbra’s– and after reading a disappointing in a sort of off-putting-way short story, I picked up my new purchase and old favorite.

I’m already half-way through! XD

Here are two quotes that show bits of what I like about it:

“She hands it [the check] to me, finished, and at the very bottom there’s a line of tiny type that informs me she’s been a member of the Telegraph Hill Credit Union since — oh, wow — since 1951.

Jeez. Why am I punishing this old woman for my own weird ways [attending a new friend’s party over Skype]? Something softens inside of me. My mask melts and I give her a smile — a real one.”

It describes so well that switch we can have from annoyance to respect when we view something that reminds of the fellow humanity of the person with which we are dealing – or something. I’m still trying work out the abstract core in this into words.

“It’s no big deal,” she says, flipping pages, making herself busy. “It’s [a special sort of promotion] like winning the lottery  anyway. It was a long shot.”

I’m not an entrepreneur, not a business guy, but in that moment I want nothing more than to start a company and grow it to Google size, just so I can put Kat Potente in charge.”

I always feel like that. Something lacking? Let me learn it and be it. Someone needs this particular sort of business? Let me start it! I try to do anything and everything someone shows they approve, need, or helps them enjoy life, and I’ve learned that I can’t do all of it.

I will have to pick one, so I should pick the one I like, and it will be what is needed. But it doesn’t stop the pang of wanting to help someone or be someone when something like this happens.

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BT has been saying that he feels bad he doesn’t know what to get for me for my birthday. I’ve always, always wanted to get an animal as a gift. OH MY GOSH!! I just realized I have!! I got chicks for my birthday one time! Oh and lovely chicks they were. ❤ Anyways story for another time.

Well, I forgot about that, lol. That actually makes me pretty happy haha!

And also, I have never gone this long without a kitty in my life. There was a cat that slept in my diaper bag when I was a baby. When I lived in a foreign country, we cared for 2 outside cats. When we moved back to the U.S., LL found us while we were in our in-between home.

Since LL died a few years back, the only kitty I’ve had contact with is during pet-sitting. I’m not really a cat person, but it is starting to wear on me.

I mean, you can feel the purring softness from this Tumblr cat!:

And my Twitter friend’s pics of kitty interactions! *happy sigh* Cats are such unique creatures!

And I love animals. Oh, I don’t know why, but I do and looook!

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She caught my eye today. 🙂 Why do I look on pet-adoption sites? I feel like I can make a difference doing that, but instead I just see how much need there is and how even 1 adoption – does it really matter?

But I thought, maybe – once I count my dollars – maybe, just maybe I can afford another pet. And maybe, just maybe, that (the permission, not the animal itself) could be my birthday gift! XD While that sounds sweet, I won’t bring it up, because even I (who am pretty oblivious) can tell that’s manipulative.

Someday, a kitty will populate my life again, and in that day I will be grateful. But today, I’m grateful, because I have a dog I love hanging out with, a great roommate and a loving family. 🙂

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A singer in one of my favorite bands (one of the bands BT introduced me to, actually) died yesterday.

I had just gone onto YouTube to grab the MP3 of their Good Mythical Morning special. I went on Twitter and I saw someone’s retweet, and I could hardly believe it.

I in a way looked up to this guy – he talked about his grandmother’s influence on his life. I chose one of the band’s song as my “song to describe my life” and it took me barely any thought. I bonded with my brother over these songs.

He was gone. It hit me hard.

And I read an article today that he’d been booed off the stage at one of his latest concerts! His voice, and his music defined an age of rock, and people who paid to see him asked him to leave. How unkind is that?

The article said, “I wish we would have been nicer to him while he was alive” and I mean yeah. But is that only because he died? And why, how, can we think it’s okay to hurt someone like that.

Because we think it will make something change, I think. And sometimes it does. But when it doesn’t? What is the right way to say “I want you to take a different tack in life”?

I rarely use negative feedback, but sometimes I do. Is there a different way?

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Finally, I’m making progress learning how to use my new super-cool video editor (that was also free!). I’m making a fanvid for Little Miss Sunshine to a Garfunkel and Oates song. I just discovered I can’t rightly “preview” my video, but I have come so far (YouTube tutorials, thank you!!) that I think I might be able to figure this one out, too.

Q&A:

Any thoughts from your day?


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Right in the feelings!

It’s good to feel. Even hurt.

When you feel hurt, remember the other people who cause you to have feelings. Remember how they care about how you are feeling and care if you are hurt.

Then the hurt isn’t so bad, eh? Not with that balancing out. And you remember feeling is good. What you feel is not permanent, they fluctuate and spin changing to circumstances and situations. It’s good to feel; remembering that they change is an aid to balance a deep hurt or joy, not to banish it.

Just some INFP thoughts on this early night… 🙂

 


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How Do We Instinctively Know Life’s Value?

We instinctively know the value of a life.

Though we often become frustrated with our own, or wonder why we are here, somehow a feeling beyond words attests to us that a life is worth protecting.

When we know it’s about to be cut short, or feel cold where once was heat, or remember a life snuffed out by mortal means, our insides protest, tears start, and a feeling of wrongness pervades, even if we can’t give words to the question, “What’s so important about life.”

I held her trembling, fuzzy, furry body against mine, I soothed her fears as I set her in a sterile bathing tub. I eased her through the process, and felt her fear as mine. The tremulous eyes looked into mine, and she trusted my evaluation of the situation as safe.

Then she was snuffed out. Without a judge, jury, or defense and without me able to  run to her side, or ask the owner how she could betray her like this, that owner let her go, without even a confirmation of the test.

“Parvo kills 50% of dogs who have it.”

“It’s a long difficult journey to health.”

“Even with early treatment, it’s not an easy disease to beat.”

But didn’t you hold her next to you. Didn’t you feel the life that flowed through her. Didn’t you look into her eyes, and tell her everything would be okay? 

You had to have felt that bundle of soft fur. How could you let her go so easily.

She was scared of the world, and trusted at the first word. I will never forget Ember, and somehow she keeps teaching me, that beyond any logical reason, we KNOW, just know, that life is in itself a thing worth guarding.

 


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Rainy Day Gratefuls

I’m sitting here on a gray rainy day with a cup of propietary hot drink, happy.

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And whenever I’m happy, I go into a hyper-analyzing mode (while looking chill on the surface) to find out why, and whether it’s okay for me to be happy.

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Well, this time, I’m just going to list the things that are contributing to meine happiness atm (read: my happiness, at the moment), instead of criticizing myself for feeling great when I know there are others who don’t.

 

1. My mug: Picked and bought for me by my mom on a recent trip.

2. The drink: Saved by a dash of salt that brought out the cocoa…. odd. (A blend of 2 decaf coffees, a heated 1/2 cup of almond milk, spoonful of Hershey’s cocoa, Truvia, stevia drops, and a dash of sea salt.)

3. My sweater: After walking around all morning with a blanket draped precariously over my shoulders, I finally grabbed a sweater – my favorite foul-weather day sweater, with thick cable knitting, that keeps out the wind, and gives a layer from the rain, in a bright pastel purple. And it doesn’t fall off like the blanket.

4. Being awake: A few minutes ago I was tired, and sluggish. The excitement of creating a drink awakened my brain, and now I get to sit here drinking it, instead of chastising myself to stay awake.

Beyond the moment:

5. My friends: real, and virtual: Yeah, virtual friends sound weird – I wouldn’t believe myself – but some of the Forever-fighters have gotten really close. It’s really awesome, and everyone’s highs and lows are shared, Forever is fought for, and people can speak their minds, and keep up hope. Interaction with people is really key, and for something so virtual and ethereal as a second Season of a TV show and an online chat, it’s really quite real, and these people make my day very often. 🙂

Plus, I’m very blessed to have friends irl. Friends who have been friends with me for as long as I knew them. Never will I lose my appreciation for them and their stubborness to remain friends with me through the MANY changes in my life.

6. A job: There are a lot of jobs out there – and a lot of lack of jobs out there. I have a job, and it’s awesome. While dreaming of far-flung hopes, I can work a lot. I love to work, and I don’t care about the pay, and so this job is a great fit. I have a job – Yay! The job likes me – Yay! I like my job – Yay! (The only thing I wish is that I could adopt more animals, but while able to bring Rimfire to work which is A+, I cannot have any more pets, because I can’t afford them on this salary.)

7. Time to find direction while still doing stuff, but having time to think at the same time: College, career, just my own brain – it’s a lot to figure out. I’m finally at a place where I can have time to breathe and figure it out – slowly enough to be smart, and yet not being stagnant (THE WORST.)

8. Health: We took Rimfire to the vet yesterday, and he cleared his follow-up test – he isn’t anemic! I’m healthy. My family is healthy. We’re all in good health! 🙂

9. Dreams. I’m really thankful for these. Sometimes I realize the importance of hope, and of dreams. They can transport you to another place – one you haven’t seen before, maybe – and say “This is not all there is.” Not all of them will become reality, but they can get you out of your current rut, situation, or travesties, because you know even if you don’t see, there is something else.

Q&A:

What are you thankful for today?

What’s the weather like where you live?

P.S. – Yes I am aware that I am TERRRIBLE at replying to comments, leaving comments, general back-and-forth. I don’t know why, and apologizing doesn’t make up for it. But if you are waiting on me – do not despair, I will get there… eventually. I want to get there, but …. Yep, you are NOT forgotten or back-burnered.

 


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The Point?

I’m studying to take a test

To go to a place I don’t want to go

To get a degree

So I can do what I want to do

 

People say it’s pointless to do something without the knowledge you need

People see grand gestures. All of a sudden nothing else matters

 

Then you live, and those small faithfulnesses make the world go ’round

 

But when we live, we’re told go big or go home,

That nothing small matters

 

I’m studying and focusing so hard for something I don’t want

The college I wanted lost their morals

Now I need a new place

 

But I want to do to many things

I want to do them all now

I don’t want to waste four years

I want to do

I want to start

 

It doesn’t even have to be grand, but I want to be the initiating force

2 decades is too long to be the one always learning, always wrong

I want to make experiments, I want to try, I want to fail, I want to win

I want to initiate

 

But I’m studying for a test

To get into a school

I don’t even know which one

To get a degree I don’t want

To start a job I do – but I’m worried will hurt the economy.

 

I’m having so much trouble

My brain can’t stop thinking about the morality of my purchases yesterday, and my comfort in my first world surroundings, and what school I should go to, and whether or not I should try the over-populated film school and be a bloated fat-cat, or whether I should be some moralistic business know-it-all with the dream I had but dead because I’m operating off knowledge again…

I can’t focus on my book. It’s pointless anyway isn’t it? The end goal is no longer there. I’m running to nothing. Every replacement just seems futile.

How do I know when I’m being compassionate enough to people in less-good positions than I? How do I know I’m not being a millenial first-world, American brat? How do I know what degrees God is pleased with?

Every option has a moral. Every time your eyes are opened it hurts.

I kind of just want to live. To try. And fail.

But instead everything has a good and bad. And right now I’m just spun around in that.

And I always want to do two things.

Rescue dogs – make a TV show

Be a baker – be a singer

Go shooting – play a game

Go horse back riding – stay inside and read

When do I ever know which was the right choice? When do I say something and not have it duplicitous because there is something else I always want to do, but I only think of one at a time?

 

Thirdly.. I realize I feel people know what they are good at. Or somebody tells them, and they pursue that.

I wish there was a way I could test all sorts of professions, jobs, skills. I don’t know anything that I’m good at. So, I feel really directionless in this way.


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Variations on an theme: INFP

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I have been talking personality quite a bit lately, and this post is quite heavy with the stuff. It’s been a frequent topic at my house, though, and it’s been solving a lot of puzzles, and strengthening relationships (OMG, you will not believe what just happened! Words came, right when I needed them! That may be the first time that has ever happened! — okay, sorry – see below, “Words”)….

Er, anyway. I am hoping that I do not come off too strong on a front that can easily be exhausted, and chafing.

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