Naturally Dreamy

A blog about my life as an INFP living with an ESFJ, INTJ, and my pup. I blog about earth-friendly living and life through my eyes – not necessarily in that order. Come put your feet up where life is Naturally Dreamy!


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Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?

I was talking to BT yesterday, and he said how it was frustrating how even with how long you might know someone, it seems that trust isn’t really cultivated. He meant a different sort of trust – like trusting someone’s judgement – but what struck me is the horrbile trait that I don’t tend to trust someone as “they would never do ___” even after knowing them for a while.

If I consider how I trust other people, I think to myself, I never am sure that they wouldn’t hurt me. Or lie to me. Or do something horrendous for some reason.

I was thinking about it as I packed away recycling in the vehicle, that I don’t think that’s really what it is. I think it’s the same thing that stymied my starting to recover from an ED – I saw people for their weight (a lot of times), so I expected the same. I didn’t realize that that could change – and it did. But it took me recovering, first.

So I thought, I can’t trust someone else to not be something, if I never trust all of who I am with anyone. If I never reveal all of myself to someone I could never expect to know who they are all the way through, either… could I?

I tend to not want to alienate people, so I don’t show sides of myself. For instance, maybe, I don’t show the part of me that is really conservative (or I don’t want them to think their views aren’t welcome because they differ from mine – I don’t mind that). Or I don’t want to scare people so I don’t reveal my temper (or say I have one). People get annoyed at people who are excited so I won’t be excited. I try to cut away and whittle off anything that someone might wish for me not to be.

But you can’t grow by cutting off pieces of yourself.

Yet I think that’s what character development *looks like* to me a lot of times. (And I tend to get well-convinced by “looks like”.)

Take Tom Haverford from Parks and Rec. I think BT and I are in the 3rd season? When he starts his Rent-A-Swag business endeavour there is definitely some character development going on.

It looks like him deciding to NOT be a party boy and NOT be this or that. That’s my first thought. Look at all the things he didn’t do.

But those things he didn’t do, weren’t the point. He decided to stay true to his word. Take care of his friendships.

And as they discussed in a succeeding episode, if Tom tried not to be the confident, flashy person he is, then his new business would definitely fail.

He shouldn’t throw all his money into trivial items for his business – as he might have done – but if he “cuts that off” and doesn’t spend any of it, that’s not good either. The growth was to use it in things that appealed to him, and they all pitched in to help build the items he needed. Character growth.

I’ve never been great at nuances. (Hey, look, there’s a character trait someone may not like about me!) When I learned horseback riding, and my teacher was trying to teach me something, my mom would take me aside after the lesson and say “exaggerate it, do the complete opposite of *insert bad habit teacher was trying to break* and you’ll hit the middle.”

So if somebody cheers on somebody’s character growth and I think “Look, they didn’t do something, and that was good! I saw it, too, that was really helpful for them, and I’d much more enjoy spending time with them now, too.” I think “I won’t do things, either!”

Well, that has been proven to not work. And even though I’m much more trusting, and expressive, than I was there for a while, I still would describe myself as “not trusting”. I’m not sure if that actually manifests in my life, or if I really do blanketly (I kinda feel I don’t) not trust anyone. But I do believe I’d be hindered in being able to trust someone if I never chose to show that person the less-“good” parts about me.

And, wouldn’t it be true that nobody can trust me if I conceal so much…

 

Growth is about growing, and if you chop off everything, there’s nothing left to grow. And if “change” is really rebuilding like I feel better describes it, there’s got to be something to start from.

(Full disclosure: the people closest to me probably know all of me, even if I try to not show it XD When I say, well actually I have ____, they’re like “Oh good. I’m glad you know it, too.” or “Uh-huh, I could read it on your face!”)

I gotta be honest though. My high energy never seems to be a good match for anything…

And if the internet and stories from other people have taught me anything – it’s that frequently, (if you have a good heart), when you are real, and have flaws, it’s encouraging, humorous, helpful, and it sometimes even helps you and everyone else grow. 🙂

Q&A:

Has there ever been anything you tried to chop off, that you realized later wasn’t helpful like you thought’d be?

Do you have any special plans for the weekend? or Thanksgiving? 🙂

 

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A Discussion about a Subject of Unknown Origin that is just about as abstruse and abstract as this Title

A few short months after victoriously gaining a license, I lost it. I have every other previous version of it, but the newest one just vanished!

“To your credit,” said BT peeking into my room midway-through-ransack, “I thought, ‘where would she keep something like this besides her wallet?’ and I couldn’t think of anything. You’ve definitely done your due diligence.” We searched for another half hour. It is nowhere to be found.

But the thorough overturning of all storage spaces mine caused me to think a few thoughts.

There’s like a category of my brain that is like “that is it’s place” and it goes back in that place, and I’m just so tickled and happy that I’ve got a place for it. Slingshot goes on bed, next to books. Receipts with story ideas go in the paper stack below the books. The ages-old origami game goes in the hidden compartment in my backpack.

And the only thing that I can think of as to why that gives me so much satisfaction is the pretty much catch-all excuse (which I’m wary of using, but will if I need to pinch hit a reason/intro to my life to someone) that I’ve moved a lot.

So saying, “This goes, here and that goes there” is sorta opposite.

Hand in hand is my sad, sad, sad made up bed. At least I’ve been told it was sad. Even Mom said my oh-so-precious quilt was on it’s last legs. It’s yellowed with age, the quilted squares are losing their middle and exposing the stuffing below. There’s even an edge section that’s torn away from the rest of the blanket that sometimes my arm goes through gets caught.

I have had this quilt for as long as I can remember, and it’s just as comfy as it’s always been. It keeps me warm, or cool, and it’s just perfect. But apparently it looks terrible now.

And I have a “pillow” that has had such a life, that it by all rights should be retired. It traveled internationally, then half way across the country, got chewed on by Rimfire as a pup, causing the outer case to shred. Now it has no outer case and I contain the matted, permanently fused, hardened, foam stuffing in a sham.

Mom and BT and me just shake our heads when we see it. But it still serves it’s purpose. It gives just a little bit more of height than one pillow, which is all I need.

But by all intents it could definitely just be retired.

Why don’t I? Why don’t I just say, “No I won’t use you any more?” Why am I so glad I have places and things and put them back where they came from? It’s like I need some sort of continuity in my life, and I wonder how much that is true for humans.

I bet my friend is tired of me telling her, but I still haven’t yet reconciled my life with other people’s so it still comes up. My “family” contains a grand total of three people. I have virtually no past, and no future. I’ve lived nowhere long, and have no roots. Is this weird? Is this normal? Is my psyche different than others and if so in what way? I would love to know this. It would be so cool to know.


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Lots of Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts on my brain today. Would you mind if I told you some of ’em?

One of my friends is coming to visit me soon, and I’m off the charts excited!! My brain is also raising some good questions – What meals shall I make? What activities do I not want to forgot about doing? – and some not so good ones – What if she hates my where I live? What if she can’t stand my music? What if I tell her all the wrong stories?

The music one is the one I think of most frequently. I pretty much listen to music all my waking hours, and I’ve learned what my family likes and doesn’t like, so we can mutually enjoy what we are listening to. But I have a plan! I’ll ask her what she likes and doesn’t like in music (for example, it took me a while to get used to BT’s new set of music, but I actually ended up loving a lot of it in the end – wait that’s not an example – I mean, he tailored some of it, and when I learned that things actually wouldn’t break my preferences, I was a lot more open. Not that I want her to be open, I just don’t want it to be this weird foreign experience like it was. Or at all uncomfortable. So this analogy helps my head, but doesn’t convey?) What I’m trying to say (I think) is maybe instead of worrying about this, maybe it’s better to just ask if she would mind music, and what type she likes! Boom! 🙂

~~~~~

I’m rediscovering some of the reasons I loved Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore or at least some things I really enjoy about it! As a kid, I didn’t understand why people re-read books – even if they really loved them.

But, I had wanted to re-read Nanny Diaries, and Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore. I recently purchased a copy of buying Mr. Penumbra’s– and after reading a disappointing in a sort of off-putting-way short story, I picked up my new purchase and old favorite.

I’m already half-way through! XD

Here are two quotes that show bits of what I like about it:

“She hands it [the check] to me, finished, and at the very bottom there’s a line of tiny type that informs me she’s been a member of the Telegraph Hill Credit Union since — oh, wow — since 1951.

Jeez. Why am I punishing this old woman for my own weird ways [attending a new friend’s party over Skype]? Something softens inside of me. My mask melts and I give her a smile — a real one.”

It describes so well that switch we can have from annoyance to respect when we view something that reminds of the fellow humanity of the person with which we are dealing – or something. I’m still trying work out the abstract core in this into words.

“It’s no big deal,” she says, flipping pages, making herself busy. “It’s [a special sort of promotion] like winning the lottery  anyway. It was a long shot.”

I’m not an entrepreneur, not a business guy, but in that moment I want nothing more than to start a company and grow it to Google size, just so I can put Kat Potente in charge.”

I always feel like that. Something lacking? Let me learn it and be it. Someone needs this particular sort of business? Let me start it! I try to do anything and everything someone shows they approve, need, or helps them enjoy life, and I’ve learned that I can’t do all of it.

I will have to pick one, so I should pick the one I like, and it will be what is needed. But it doesn’t stop the pang of wanting to help someone or be someone when something like this happens.

~~~~~

BT has been saying that he feels bad he doesn’t know what to get for me for my birthday. I’ve always, always wanted to get an animal as a gift. OH MY GOSH!! I just realized I have!! I got chicks for my birthday one time! Oh and lovely chicks they were. ❤ Anyways story for another time.

Well, I forgot about that, lol. That actually makes me pretty happy haha!

And also, I have never gone this long without a kitty in my life. There was a cat that slept in my diaper bag when I was a baby. When I lived in a foreign country, we cared for 2 outside cats. When we moved back to the U.S., LL found us while we were in our in-between home.

Since LL died a few years back, the only kitty I’ve had contact with is during pet-sitting. I’m not really a cat person, but it is starting to wear on me.

I mean, you can feel the purring softness from this Tumblr cat!:

And my Twitter friend’s pics of kitty interactions! *happy sigh* Cats are such unique creatures!

And I love animals. Oh, I don’t know why, but I do and looook!

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She caught my eye today. 🙂 Why do I look on pet-adoption sites? I feel like I can make a difference doing that, but instead I just see how much need there is and how even 1 adoption – does it really matter?

But I thought, maybe – once I count my dollars – maybe, just maybe I can afford another pet. And maybe, just maybe, that (the permission, not the animal itself) could be my birthday gift! XD While that sounds sweet, I won’t bring it up, because even I (who am pretty oblivious) can tell that’s manipulative.

Someday, a kitty will populate my life again, and in that day I will be grateful. But today, I’m grateful, because I have a dog I love hanging out with, a great roommate and a loving family. 🙂

~~~~~

A singer in one of my favorite bands (one of the bands BT introduced me to, actually) died yesterday.

I had just gone onto YouTube to grab the MP3 of their Good Mythical Morning special. I went on Twitter and I saw someone’s retweet, and I could hardly believe it.

I in a way looked up to this guy – he talked about his grandmother’s influence on his life. I chose one of the band’s song as my “song to describe my life” and it took me barely any thought. I bonded with my brother over these songs.

He was gone. It hit me hard.

And I read an article today that he’d been booed off the stage at one of his latest concerts! His voice, and his music defined an age of rock, and people who paid to see him asked him to leave. How unkind is that?

The article said, “I wish we would have been nicer to him while he was alive” and I mean yeah. But is that only because he died? And why, how, can we think it’s okay to hurt someone like that.

Because we think it will make something change, I think. And sometimes it does. But when it doesn’t? What is the right way to say “I want you to take a different tack in life”?

I rarely use negative feedback, but sometimes I do. Is there a different way?

~~~~

Finally, I’m making progress learning how to use my new super-cool video editor (that was also free!). I’m making a fanvid for Little Miss Sunshine to a Garfunkel and Oates song. I just discovered I can’t rightly “preview” my video, but I have come so far (YouTube tutorials, thank you!!) that I think I might be able to figure this one out, too.

Q&A:

Any thoughts from your day?


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Right in the feelings!

It’s good to feel. Even hurt.

When you feel hurt, remember the other people who cause you to have feelings. Remember how they care about how you are feeling and care if you are hurt.

Then the hurt isn’t so bad, eh? Not with that balancing out. And you remember feeling is good. What you feel is not permanent, they fluctuate and spin changing to circumstances and situations. It’s good to feel; remembering that they change is an aid to balance a deep hurt or joy, not to banish it.

Just some INFP thoughts on this early night… 🙂

 


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How Do We Instinctively Know Life’s Value?

We instinctively know the value of a life.

Though we often become frustrated with our own, or wonder why we are here, somehow a feeling beyond words attests to us that a life is worth protecting.

When we know it’s about to be cut short, or feel cold where once was heat, or remember a life snuffed out by mortal means, our insides protest, tears start, and a feeling of wrongness pervades, even if we can’t give words to the question, “What’s so important about life.”

I held her trembling, fuzzy, furry body against mine, I soothed her fears as I set her in a sterile bathing tub. I eased her through the process, and felt her fear as mine. The tremulous eyes looked into mine, and she trusted my evaluation of the situation as safe.

Then she was snuffed out. Without a judge, jury, or defense and without me able to  run to her side, or ask the owner how she could betray her like this, that owner let her go, without even a confirmation of the test.

“Parvo kills 50% of dogs who have it.”

“It’s a long difficult journey to health.”

“Even with early treatment, it’s not an easy disease to beat.”

But didn’t you hold her next to you. Didn’t you feel the life that flowed through her. Didn’t you look into her eyes, and tell her everything would be okay? 

You had to have felt that bundle of soft fur. How could you let her go so easily.

She was scared of the world, and trusted at the first word. I will never forget Ember, and somehow she keeps teaching me, that beyond any logical reason, we KNOW, just know, that life is in itself a thing worth guarding.

 


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Rainy Day Gratefuls

I’m sitting here on a gray rainy day with a cup of propietary hot drink, happy.

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And whenever I’m happy, I go into a hyper-analyzing mode (while looking chill on the surface) to find out why, and whether it’s okay for me to be happy.

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Well, this time, I’m just going to list the things that are contributing to meine happiness atm (read: my happiness, at the moment), instead of criticizing myself for feeling great when I know there are others who don’t.

 

1. My mug: Picked and bought for me by my mom on a recent trip.

2. The drink: Saved by a dash of salt that brought out the cocoa…. odd. (A blend of 2 decaf coffees, a heated 1/2 cup of almond milk, spoonful of Hershey’s cocoa, Truvia, stevia drops, and a dash of sea salt.)

3. My sweater: After walking around all morning with a blanket draped precariously over my shoulders, I finally grabbed a sweater – my favorite foul-weather day sweater, with thick cable knitting, that keeps out the wind, and gives a layer from the rain, in a bright pastel purple. And it doesn’t fall off like the blanket.

4. Being awake: A few minutes ago I was tired, and sluggish. The excitement of creating a drink awakened my brain, and now I get to sit here drinking it, instead of chastising myself to stay awake.

Beyond the moment:

5. My friends: real, and virtual: Yeah, virtual friends sound weird – I wouldn’t believe myself – but some of the Forever-fighters have gotten really close. It’s really awesome, and everyone’s highs and lows are shared, Forever is fought for, and people can speak their minds, and keep up hope. Interaction with people is really key, and for something so virtual and ethereal as a second Season of a TV show and an online chat, it’s really quite real, and these people make my day very often. 🙂

Plus, I’m very blessed to have friends irl. Friends who have been friends with me for as long as I knew them. Never will I lose my appreciation for them and their stubborness to remain friends with me through the MANY changes in my life.

6. A job: There are a lot of jobs out there – and a lot of lack of jobs out there. I have a job, and it’s awesome. While dreaming of far-flung hopes, I can work a lot. I love to work, and I don’t care about the pay, and so this job is a great fit. I have a job – Yay! The job likes me – Yay! I like my job – Yay! (The only thing I wish is that I could adopt more animals, but while able to bring Rimfire to work which is A+, I cannot have any more pets, because I can’t afford them on this salary.)

7. Time to find direction while still doing stuff, but having time to think at the same time: College, career, just my own brain – it’s a lot to figure out. I’m finally at a place where I can have time to breathe and figure it out – slowly enough to be smart, and yet not being stagnant (THE WORST.)

8. Health: We took Rimfire to the vet yesterday, and he cleared his follow-up test – he isn’t anemic! I’m healthy. My family is healthy. We’re all in good health! 🙂

9. Dreams. I’m really thankful for these. Sometimes I realize the importance of hope, and of dreams. They can transport you to another place – one you haven’t seen before, maybe – and say “This is not all there is.” Not all of them will become reality, but they can get you out of your current rut, situation, or travesties, because you know even if you don’t see, there is something else.

Q&A:

What are you thankful for today?

What’s the weather like where you live?

P.S. – Yes I am aware that I am TERRRIBLE at replying to comments, leaving comments, general back-and-forth. I don’t know why, and apologizing doesn’t make up for it. But if you are waiting on me – do not despair, I will get there… eventually. I want to get there, but …. Yep, you are NOT forgotten or back-burnered.