Naturally Dreamy

A blog about my life as a mostly INFP living with an ESFJ, INTJ, and my pup. I blog about earth-friendly living and life through my eyes – not necessarily in that order. Come put your feet up where life is Naturally Dreamy!


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Right in the feelings!

It’s good to feel. Even hurt.

When you feel hurt, remember the other people who cause you to have feelings. Remember how they care about how you are feeling and care if you are hurt.

Then the hurt isn’t so bad, eh? Not with that balancing out. And you remember feeling is good. What you feel is not permanent, they fluctuate and spin changing to circumstances and situations. It’s good to feel; remembering that they change is an aid to balance a deep hurt or joy, not to banish it.

Just some INFP thoughts on this early night… 🙂

 


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How Do We Instinctively Know Life’s Value?

We instinctively know the value of a life.

Though we often become frustrated with our own, or wonder why we are here, somehow a feeling beyond words attests to us that a life is worth protecting.

When we know it’s about to be cut short, or feel cold where once was heat, or remember a life snuffed out by mortal means, our insides protest, tears start, and a feeling of wrongness pervades, even if we can’t give words to the question, “What’s so important about life.”

I held her trembling, fuzzy, furry body against mine, I soothed her fears as I set her in a sterile bathing tub. I eased her through the process, and felt her fear as mine. The tremulous eyes looked into mine, and she trusted my evaluation of the situation as safe.

Then she was snuffed out. Without a judge, jury, or defense and without me able to  run to her side, or ask the owner how she could betray her like this, that owner let her go, without even a confirmation of the test.

“Parvo kills 50% of dogs who have it.”

“It’s a long difficult journey to health.”

“Even with early treatment, it’s not an easy disease to beat.”

But didn’t you hold her next to you. Didn’t you feel the life that flowed through her. Didn’t you look into her eyes, and tell her everything would be okay? 

You had to have felt that bundle of soft fur. How could you let her go so easily.

She was scared of the world, and trusted at the first word. I will never forget Ember, and somehow she keeps teaching me, that beyond any logical reason, we KNOW, just know, that life is in itself a thing worth guarding.

 


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Rainy Day Gratefuls

I’m sitting here on a gray rainy day with a cup of propietary hot drink, happy.

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And whenever I’m happy, I go into a hyper-analyzing mode (while looking chill on the surface) to find out why, and whether it’s okay for me to be happy.

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Well, this time, I’m just going to list the things that are contributing to meine happiness atm (read: my happiness, at the moment), instead of criticizing myself for feeling great when I know there are others who don’t.

 

1. My mug: Picked and bought for me by my mom on a recent trip.

2. The drink: Saved by a dash of salt that brought out the cocoa…. odd. (A blend of 2 decaf coffees, a heated 1/2 cup of almond milk, spoonful of Hershey’s cocoa, Truvia, stevia drops, and a dash of sea salt.)

3. My sweater: After walking around all morning with a blanket draped precariously over my shoulders, I finally grabbed a sweater – my favorite foul-weather day sweater, with thick cable knitting, that keeps out the wind, and gives a layer from the rain, in a bright pastel purple. And it doesn’t fall off like the blanket.

4. Being awake: A few minutes ago I was tired, and sluggish. The excitement of creating a drink awakened my brain, and now I get to sit here drinking it, instead of chastising myself to stay awake.

Beyond the moment:

5. My friends: real, and virtual: Yeah, virtual friends sound weird – I wouldn’t believe myself – but some of the Forever-fighters have gotten really close. It’s really awesome, and everyone’s highs and lows are shared, Forever is fought for, and people can speak their minds, and keep up hope. Interaction with people is really key, and for something so virtual and ethereal as a second Season of a TV show and an online chat, it’s really quite real, and these people make my day very often. 🙂

Plus, I’m very blessed to have friends irl. Friends who have been friends with me for as long as I knew them. Never will I lose my appreciation for them and their stubborness to remain friends with me through the MANY changes in my life.

6. A job: There are a lot of jobs out there – and a lot of lack of jobs out there. I have a job, and it’s awesome. While dreaming of far-flung hopes, I can work a lot. I love to work, and I don’t care about the pay, and so this job is a great fit. I have a job – Yay! The job likes me – Yay! I like my job – Yay! (The only thing I wish is that I could adopt more animals, but while able to bring Rimfire to work which is A+, I cannot have any more pets, because I can’t afford them on this salary.)

7. Time to find direction while still doing stuff, but having time to think at the same time: College, career, just my own brain – it’s a lot to figure out. I’m finally at a place where I can have time to breathe and figure it out – slowly enough to be smart, and yet not being stagnant (THE WORST.)

8. Health: We took Rimfire to the vet yesterday, and he cleared his follow-up test – he isn’t anemic! I’m healthy. My family is healthy. We’re all in good health! 🙂

9. Dreams. I’m really thankful for these. Sometimes I realize the importance of hope, and of dreams. They can transport you to another place – one you haven’t seen before, maybe – and say “This is not all there is.” Not all of them will become reality, but they can get you out of your current rut, situation, or travesties, because you know even if you don’t see, there is something else.

Q&A:

What are you thankful for today?

What’s the weather like where you live?

P.S. – Yes I am aware that I am TERRRIBLE at replying to comments, leaving comments, general back-and-forth. I don’t know why, and apologizing doesn’t make up for it. But if you are waiting on me – do not despair, I will get there… eventually. I want to get there, but …. Yep, you are NOT forgotten or back-burnered.

 


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The Point?

I’m studying to take a test

To go to a place I don’t want to go

To get a degree

So I can do what I want to do

 

People say it’s pointless to do something without the knowledge you need

People see grand gestures. All of a sudden nothing else matters

 

Then you live, and those small faithfulnesses make the world go ’round

 

But when we live, we’re told go big or go home,

That nothing small matters

 

I’m studying and focusing so hard for something I don’t want

The college I wanted lost their morals

Now I need a new place

 

But I want to do to many things

I want to do them all now

I don’t want to waste four years

I want to do

I want to start

 

It doesn’t even have to be grand, but I want to be the initiating force

2 decades is too long to be the one always learning, always wrong

I want to make experiments, I want to try, I want to fail, I want to win

I want to initiate

 

But I’m studying for a test

To get into a school

I don’t even know which one

To get a degree I don’t want

To start a job I do – but I’m worried will hurt the economy.

 

I’m having so much trouble

My brain can’t stop thinking about the morality of my purchases yesterday, and my comfort in my first world surroundings, and what school I should go to, and whether or not I should try the over-populated film school and be a bloated fat-cat, or whether I should be some moralistic business know-it-all with the dream I had but dead because I’m operating off knowledge again…

I can’t focus on my book. It’s pointless anyway isn’t it? The end goal is no longer there. I’m running to nothing. Every replacement just seems futile.

How do I know when I’m being compassionate enough to people in less-good positions than I? How do I know I’m not being a millenial first-world, American brat? How do I know what degrees God is pleased with?

Every option has a moral. Every time your eyes are opened it hurts.

I kind of just want to live. To try. And fail.

But instead everything has a good and bad. And right now I’m just spun around in that.

And I always want to do two things.

Rescue dogs – make a TV show

Be a baker – be a singer

Go shooting – play a game

Go horse back riding – stay inside and read

When do I ever know which was the right choice? When do I say something and not have it duplicitous because there is something else I always want to do, but I only think of one at a time?

 

Thirdly.. I realize I feel people know what they are good at. Or somebody tells them, and they pursue that.

I wish there was a way I could test all sorts of professions, jobs, skills. I don’t know anything that I’m good at. So, I feel really directionless in this way.


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Variations on an theme: INFP

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I have been talking personality quite a bit lately, and this post is quite heavy with the stuff. It’s been a frequent topic at my house, though, and it’s been solving a lot of puzzles, and strengthening relationships (OMG, you will not believe what just happened! Words came, right when I needed them! That may be the first time that has ever happened! — okay, sorry – see below, “Words”)….

Er, anyway. I am hoping that I do not come off too strong on a front that can easily be exhausted, and chafing.

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Self-Doubt and Cashiers

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I go from thinking I’m fine, I can hang out with people, and melt with the best of them.

To, I’m totally unfit for human consumption.

Today is one of those days.

I think everyone else was okay with my behavior today. But I violated my own code.

I made up silly remarks when I could have been quiet, coming off smarter and making my INTJ more okay with me.

I hate when I do this – this being not holding to my own code. I like not how I be trite when I want to be serious, how I laugh when I want to frown, when I giggle when I’d rather bring out my smarts, why when I’d rather be happy, I am focused on me and my pain…

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